It is challenging my perception of romance. It is infringing on dreams of a magical meeting, the perfect first date and the discovery period couples go through when falling in love. Consequently, it is another part of the social media world that I just can't get behind.
This unnatural abomination invading people's love lives is Plenty of Fish.
A couple of years ago I was going through one of those periods where I didn't have anyone to like. There were some guys I had gone on a few dates with, but none of them held any real interest for me. I was complaining about this for about the 1000th time when @isaiditnowdeal asked me if I had tried online dating.
Until then I have to admit that the thought had never really occurred to me. I was aware that it existed, but I was naive enough to think that people didn't really do it. Not in my hometown anyway. That was the first thing I was wrong about.
The second thing was that online dating was for the desperate. It was for people who never turned eyes on the street, who were too shy to talk to people in person, who basically didn't have a chance of ever meeting someone in real life. Again, before you rush to flood my comments section with nasty messages, I learned that I was wrong about this too.
As it turns out, there were lots of other people that I knew on POF. Lots of people I know to be normal. To have good jobs and be genuinely good people. While this was intimidating at first, it was also encouraging to know that maybe there are some good people on there.
So I put together a profile. I have @isaiditnowdeal check it out for me and he approves! And off I go into the online dating world...
Attack!!!!
Holy shit, I am bombarded with messages, instant messages, my inbox is filling up and I'm being added as a favourite by people I've never seen or talked to. I have no idea what to make of it. All I know is that there are too many messages and not enough time to read them all, nevermind respond.
It's not in my nature to ignore someone who sends me a message. At first I try to write them all back, even if it's just to say "thanks very much for your interest, but I don't think we are a good fit". But I quickly learn that there is just no way to keep this up. There is no room for talking to people just to see if they are an interesting person and it just doesn't show in their profile. And let me tell you, most guys just don't put in the effort....
So I'm am stuck picking out guys from photos and vague profiles and feel mean right off the bat for not responding. This is not the dating world I grew up in...
Lesson 1 for the ladies: Bring out your inner Bitch. There is no room (or time) for nice responses on POF
Lesson 1 for the guys: It's not you, it's everyone else! Do a good job on your profiles. We're not ignoring you, you're lost in the cyber sea.
Oh Grammar, why have they forsaken you?
I'm overwhelmed by the bombardment in my first few days. I'm hesitant about the whole online dating idea in general. I'm flat out offended by the appalling grammar in the messages I'm receiving! Seriously, WTF!!!
Maybe I'm spoiled. Maybe surrounding myself with people who know how to read and write has given me an unrealistic view of the society that I live in. But when I get:
"hey yor very prety, what's good? must get tons of email, i'm not sure how to approch this, loogin to chat sometime, seriosly wow. your beautiful."
What am I supposed to do???
I think this is a nice message but I can't see past my anger at the savage butchery of the English language. Intentions may be good, but I’m just not built to be able to overlook it. I send back corrected versions of a message in hopes that they will be able to learn for the next person they send one to.
Lesson 2 for the ladies: Learn to fucking write!
Lesson 2 for the guys: Learn to fucking write!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Plenty of Fish Professionals
At this point I’m thinking POF may not be for me, but I’m not ready to give up on it’s promise to unite singles the province over. But the POF professionals are seriously starting to bug me.
If you’ve been on the site, you know them but the first message. They are the ones who write “My name’s x, add me to Facebook” or “You have MSN? My email is imadick@hotmail.com”
I’ve already reduced myself to not being courted and to selecting guys not because I’m interested, but from a lame display like they are packages of hamburger at the grocery store. But now they don’t even have the courtesy to ask my name?!?!? They just assume that by messaging me I’m going to be excited to have them as a Facebook friend! I must need more MSN contact, right?
Wrong.
These guys have been on so long that they think they can just skip the preliminaries and cut to the next level. Sorry boys, not this chick.
They also don’t take the time to write original messages. For them, copy and paste is the way to go. Most times they are obvious, but every once in a while you get a wildcard. One time a POF professional writes me a rap song. I don’t write back (the grammar is atrocious) but later find out that he had sent the same rap to a friend of mine and just changed the name.
Lesson 3 for the ladies: They do this because they are having success with some of you. Please stop enabling this behaviour.
Lesson 3 for the guys: Just stop.
Crazies
So, I’ve been on POF for about a month without much success. What I have acquired are four brand new stalkers! One guy adds me to his favourites and messages me everyday without fail even though I haven’t written him back a single time. I call him my diligent stalker. Every time I log on, even after hiding my profile, there is a brand new message from him waiting.
Then there is my angry stalker. He sends me two messages and I don’t write back. Then he starts sending me angry messages and I don’t write back. Then he sends me apologetic messages and I don’t write back. Then he sends me more angry messages...and they cycle continues.
My ad man stalker is my favourite. He messages me to say he saw me at a party and hoped he could get to know me better. I don’t remember him but I tell him that I was actually interested in someone else at the party and thanks anyway. Then I find out that he actually wasn’t with the party, he was by himself in the bar and just saw me there but thought it was a good way in. Even though this guy is creepy, I do have to give him credit for creativity, because every time after that he sends me a sales pitch for why I should go out with him. “You should go out with me because I would bring you flowers before every date. You should go out with me because I would take you go-karting. You should go out with me because all my friends think I’m awesome....” And the list goes on. I get no less than 50 messages from this guy, all with unique reasons.
Then there is my just plain creepy stalker. This guy finds me on POF and I talk to him for a bit. Then he starts commenting on things that I haven't told him which creeps me out. Then he finds out my email address and starts sending me emails and adds me to MSN. When I found out who it was I blocked him. Then he finds me on Facebook and starts messaging me about mutual friends we have and how they can vouch for what a good guy he is. I ask him repeatedly to stop messaging me but he just wants me to give him a chance and he’s going to prove to me how great he is. So far, he has not discovered my address, thank God.
Lesson 4 for the ladies: Block your stalkers early.
Lesson 4 for the guys: Stalking is a turnoff. You aren’t helping yourself.
Who are you again?
One thing for the stalkers is that I remember them. That’s more than I can say for most of the other guys on POF.
Another side effect of the cyber sea. I can’t keep their names straight, remember what we talked about, and unless they have a distinct look I’m not even likely to remember who they are. Maybe we did have an awesome chat, or he said something witty or whatever, but I don’t have time to go through a bunch of back messages to find out.
Sadly, POF breeds shallowness and unless guys are seriously hot or extremely original, chances aren’t all that good.
Lesson 5 for the ladies: Be extremely selective. Or get a notebook and start writing down details.
Lesson 5 for the guys: Be better than amazing. Or message homely girls.
A good chat must mean sex!
So after all this I think I think I've found a guy or two worth talking to. They're cute, seem nice after the first few messages and I'm enjoying our chats. Except......
Instead of asking me out they're asking if I have a webcam. FML. All of a sudden those sweet messages I was getting are now filled with comments about how sexy I am and what they'd like to do to me and questions about what I'm wearing.
I'm sorry. I'm not really experienced with this whole online dating thing. I didn't realize that "So, where did you grow up" was code for I want to get naked. My bad.
Lesson 6 for the ladies: Again, this must be your fault. Please stop enabling.
Lesson 6 for the guys: If this is you, I've got not so much a lesson as general statement: I hate you.
This is what I'm up against?
At some point I visit @isaiditnowdeal and complain to him of my woes. He's having better luck than I am. He brings of the profile of the latest girl he is talking to but I'm distracted by all the other profiles.
You see, being a chick looking for a male, I don't get to see what my competition looks like. This is my first glance into the male world of POF. And I see.....
Lots of cleavage. Lots of webcam photos and fish faces in bathroom mirrors. Lots of make up and short skirts and slutty poses. And even more cleavage.
And to think that I actually put in the time to come up with an interesting profile and post pics that represent who I am when I should have just been showing my tits!
I now understand why a good chat means sex.
Lesson 7 for the ladies: Hey, if it's getting you what you want and it works for you, rock on. If it isn't, try being classy.
Lesson 7 for the guys: These are the girls you need to message about what they're wearing! Stick to them and you'll get better results.
And now for the date
So a few guys manage not to offend me and I agree to go out for coffee or dinner with them. I'm scared shitless. What if they're a psycho? @isaiditnowdeal assures me that everything will be ok, I'm in a public place, what's the worst that can happen?
Well, one guy, after a pretty good coffee date, asks me to go home with him. No second date for him.
Another guy seems pretty cool until he mentions that the dog he had in all his pics died and he had it stuffed.
But the most memorable guy is also my breaking point with POF. He was sweet and I enjoyed chatting with him. He told me about his great job and how athletic he was. He was super cute in his pics and I was really looking forward to our lunch date.
Well I get dolled up and head out to the restaurant. I look around and don't see him anywhere. At first I think he's stood me up. But, oh no, some strange guy is is waving at me. And now he is calling my name. Dear God.
He's at least 15 years older than his photos. He is much, much heavier. I seriously don't know what to do. I frantically message @isaiditnowdeal for help, who counsels me to order some nachos, be pleasant, and leave. So I do just that. He's no longer working at the job he told me about. He doesn't play basketball anymore because he blew out his knee. I nod politely.
At the end of the date he leans over to kiss me. I turn my head an get an awkward sloppy cheek kiss. POF has scarred me.
Yeah, it was an awful date. But I was most upset for being lied to. Maybe I'm too naive, but I have no idea how he figured that I wouldn't notice and extra 15 years and 40 pounds.
He continues to message for a while and I ignore them. I hide my POF profile.
Lesson 8 for the ladies: If he's not what he says he is, run if you can.
Lesson 8 for the guys: Don't bother lying. WE CAN SEE YOU!
I hate POF. I hate everything about it. But I know it does work for some people. If it works for you, awesome. But it's definitely not for me.
If you've got POF stories on either side, I'd love to hear them.
P.S. I logged on for a refresher while writing this post and the first ad I saw said "Still Single at 28?" Fuck you POF.
