Math of the 20-something Single Guy

I met a great-looking guy last night. He was friendly, had a great job, loved to travel, knew how to dance and made me laugh lots in the short time I spent with him. And he lived in another province. 

This is rule rather than the exception here. The guys who seem worth getting to know are always just visiting. I watch friend after friend bump into the same problem. 

I often wonder if there are any 20-something single guys in this city worth dating. In fact, I have often said that I have no intention of settling down until I am 35. I usually get that "are you nuts" look until I explain my theory. 

Right now, in my late 20s, pickings are pretty slim. There are guys to pass time with sure, but no guys really worth investing any serious time with. Those guys are already in a healthy relationship or married. But by the time I'm in my 30s, factoring in the 50% divorce rate, there are going to be tons of guys who married too young back on the market. And maybe some of the 20-something singles right now will have the time they need to grow up. 

Yeah, I know it's a bit harsh. And maybe, just maybe, there are some guys worth dating still single. But I doubt it. I've done the math. 

I'm not going to get into all the possibilities. I wouldn't be here forever (men aren't that complicated) but I would be here longer than I care to sit. So here are some popular ones.

Good-looking + Great Job = Douchebag

In the not-so-long-ago past I was hooking up with this amazing guy. It lasted for about 8 months and only really ended when he moved away. He had it all. He was hot, had a fantastic job, was smart, funny, and great in bed. He was too good to be true. 

Of course he was. Because I wasn't the only girl that thought that way about him and he knew it.  Guys in this stage of their lives who have it all and aren't in a committed relationship don't feel the need to be in one. They are single by choice. There are far too many pretty 20-something single girls out there willing to continue to feed their egos. Picking up a girl for sex requires little effort on their part, so why not do it? 

Most girls love and hate this guy. He's the bad boy and the manwhore. It's fun to see if we can get them and change them, but really, they'll either settle down when their ready (not in their 20s) or be a bachelor for life. In the meantime, we become just another notch on their belt. 

These guys are great for flings (it was a pretty friggin fantastic fling), especially if you can play with them a bit and have them be the ones guessing for a change. But they aren't the ones you give your heart to. This particular guy left a trail of brokenhearted women in his wake. 

So have a good time and great sex, but don't be surprised when he turns out to be a douchebag.

Good-looking + Special Skill = Douchebag

This guy is exactly like the guy above except he doesn't even need a good job! This is the guy in the band. The sexy artist. The semi-professional sports player. The guy you see other girls looking at and who it feels exciting to be seen on their arm. Screw? Sure, if you want to. Date? Hey, if you are into being cheated on, knock yourself out.

Good-looking + Nice = Broke

These guys are so disappointing! You know them. You see a hot guy. He asks you out. You get excited -- how could this guy possibly be single? He takes you out for coffee and you find out he is......"between jobs".  

These are the guys who lack the ambition and drive to do much with their lives. They live in their parents basement and their moms do their laundry. Some don't even see why that should ever change. 

In any case, these guys just haven't it figured out. They talk about getting jobs they're not skilled for. They talk about going back to school, even though you have never seen them with an application. They say shit like "I'll never be a rich man, but I'll always be good to you". They seem to be several steps behind in this game called life.

Just for clarification, a good job is relative to the girl looking to date the guy. For some, it's just a stable income. For others, it means some kind of prestige. For me personally, it's having job security and enough money to pay the bills and travel. It doesn't mean they are rich (wouldn't it be nice though!). But a guy in his 20s should be able to take a girl out on date night. And if the relationship progresses to the serious stage, he damn well better be able to pay half the bills. 

 

Good Job + (Funny, Smart)  = Unattractive

Mr. Personality. Dammit. We love Mr. Personality! He is sooo fun to hang out with. He's interesting and funny and kind and plans great dates. He would move the sun and the moon to be with us. But......

We just can't seem to pull him out of the friend category. I've tried. I've tried over and over and over. In the end, not being attracted to a person is a real relationship killer. 

One of my exes is like this. We still have lunch together weekly. He makes me laugh, and debates things with me and I always have a great time. And it's not that he's ugly. He's not. But in the end I just can't bring myself to want him. And there is something awful about being with someone you don't want to kiss or have sex with. It's tragic, but true.

Good job + (Nice, Smart) = Boring

These guys are not as common as the others, but they are definitely out there. And it's possible that there are some single 20-something girls that these guys are perfect for. In that case, I hope you find each other. Because they are DEFINITELY not for me. 

There are several things that can make a guy boring. They might suck at conversation. They may just agree with everything you say (always a dealbreaker for me). They may want to stay home all of the time. Whatever it is, they're often not great daters. Having fun together is necessary when you are dating. Unless you are an equally boring girl. In which case, have fun....err....enjoy your mildly stimulating time together. 

Could I pick one of these guys? Yes. But I have no intention of settling. It doesn't mean we can't hang out, go dancing or have a fling. But Mr. Right, I'll see you in my 30s.

Read the Male Reply by i.said.it.now.deal

Why Does EVERY Breakup Have to be Epic?

They say breaking up is hard to do. Well, Neil Sedaka does anyway. But why does that ALWAYS seem the case?

I hate breaking up. Not because it's sad. Not because I'm scared I'll hurt someone or be hurt. Solely because it's always long and drawn out and exhausting.

I just broke up with a guy that I was seeing for a couple of months. He was great. He was kind and caring and he really liked me. But he wasn't for me. I tried to stick it out and hoped he'd grow on me (ladies, don't do this!) but everyday I felt I was suffocating.

So I told him this. And what followed was hours of persuasion to try and change my mind and a million follow up phone calls and texts. In total, more than 24 hours of long discussion that kept going nowhere.

Now I know breakups suck, especially if you're on the receiving end.  But does it really need to be this way? I can understand dating for years and putting in 24 hours of dumpsville drama, but two months?

Full disclosure. I haven't been dumped a whole lot. But I have been enough to know how much it can hurt. I usually get mad, may even cry, but ultimately the face to face interaction in ending it is very limited. I live by a simple philosophy: This too shall pass. 

With this in mind, not every breakup has to be dramatic. And it doesn't need to be talked to death. 

In high school everything seems like the end of the world, especially losing a boyfriend. But by the time you hit 20-something, relationships are no longer high school flings. If it is going to be the long-term, forever, starry kind of romance then it has to right for both people. And 20-somethings are much more focused on finding someone for the long hall, especially entering the latter years.

That doesn't mean people should settle. Being compatible, great sex, and sometimes even love, aren't always enough for a relationship to work. And rather than prolonging something that isn't good for either person, isn't the sensible thing just to end it?

I can be as emotional as they come. But I don't want to be in a relationship where the guy is with me because he doesn't want to hurt me. I would think a guy would want the same from me. And interestingly enough, in my experience, guys have just as hard a time letting it go as women - maybe even more.  In either case, if you know, it's best to cut it off before too long. Before you have to figure out ways to divide the couch you bought together. 

So if the relationship isn't super serious, and someone is doing you a favour by telling you it's not right, and you know in your heart of hearts that in time it won't hurt anymore, why not skip the 10 hours of convo?

Yell, scream, cry, talk. Whatever your style is. But let's keep it in the half hour range, k?

Want the male perspective? Check out the reply by i.said.it.now.deal

The First Date

Sigh. i.said.it.now.deal is so much more cynical than I am.

Full disclosure. I'm not in the best mood so I doubt that the wonder and magic of a first date is going to come shining through in this post. However, even feeling crappy (it is Monday!) I still expect a good first date to be better than what he is proposing.

I once said, and not long ago, that i.said.it.now.deal was going to be the first person to single-handedly create a trending topic with his own tweets. That hashtag would be #thisiswhyimstillsingle.

His post about first dates is just another indicator of why this is the case. Guys, plllleeeeaaaasssseee don't listen to him. I don't think you should have to break the bank, but for godsakes put in a bit of effort!

For one thing, i.said.it.now.deal is basing this, I think, I hope, on online dating or blind dating. For that, some of the things he says is fine. A cup of coffee is a good place to start if you don't know someone. It gives you a chance to talk and also provides a location with people around - if you've ever online dated and had a bad one, you know how important that can be.

But if you are a guy and you like someone, you ask them out. And if you are excited about going out with that girl that you chose (and I don't mean from a list of bullshit profile photos), then putting in a little effort can go a long way.

I wouldn't call my list rules. They are more like considerations. But guys, note this post is for you. I am trying to help you out!! These tips apply to the real world, not the cyber one.

Tip 1: Location, location, location....can mean a lot - If you are interested in a girl then it is worthwhile to put some thought into a location. It should be a place you can have a conversation, yes. But at the same time picking somewhere you are both interested in and can have fun at can help ease the mood. For me a coffee is o.k. as a first date. But I am way more likely to go home thinking about the guy I just had an awesome first date with. One that was fun and where I laughed a lot. One that made me learn something or was romantic (not overly though) or was different from other dates that lame guys have taken me on. Location can have a lot to do with that. It isn't everything - you'll either wind up having a good time (or not) wherever it is you go - but it sure as hell doesn't hurt. I've never gotten really worked up over a guy who took me for a coffee. It barely even counts.

Tip 2: Dark rooms can be cool - Yeah, so a movie isn't always the greatest place for a first date. But sometimes it can be. If you are really shy, or nervous, it can be a way to think of something to talk about and lead to great conversation afterwards. It is also good if you have known the person outside of dating for some time. Interested in a girl from work and you both want to see the same flick? Why not go together! But in general it's not a great way to get to know someone. That doesn't mean rule all dark rooms out. Be creative. Why not try glow in the dark mini-golf? Or going to a haunted house around Halloween? It's o.k. to think outside the box.

Tip 3: It's o.k. to sparkle a bit - Ok, i.said.it.now.deal. WTF? Why does anyone date you? Guys, you don't have to be too extravagant. But if coffee is your default for all girls in all situations and your level of interest is never a factor, well you just don't deserve to get past a first date. And what is this one-hour time limit? Most of the time you should just suck it up and stick out a few hours for a date. If a date is going that badly it's o.k. to have an exit strategy in your back pocket (yeah, I've done it). But by limiting yourself to one hour you may be cheating yourself out of a really fantastic and memorable time. i.said.it.now.deal acts like a first date is like being forced to sit next to someone you don't know at an awkward dinner party. It's not. You should be on the date because you are interested in the person and therefore want to spend some time getting to know them. And creativity can help. See Tip 1.
 

I do give him some credit though. The bookstore is an interesting idea for some girls (myself included). But if I met up with a guy and the only thing we did was walk through a bookstore I'd probably be like "what was that?". Nice time? Maybe. Date? I don't think so.

Tip 4: At least go to the bank! - Face it guys. Even in the days of "going dutch" or the girl sometimes offering to pay, you are fully expected to pay on the first date. No exceptions. It doesn't mean you have to break the bank. If you are poor, take her for a walk or bike ride in a nice location, or do something active if she's into that. But seriously, buy her a meal or a drink or something at some point during the date. You don't have to break the bank, but if your date maxes out at $2.00 (i.e. coffee) then you just suck. Period.

You wouldn't gamble on the stock market by investing everything you have before doing your research, would you? You are so full of shit.

Tip 5: Beat her to the callback - We agree!!! If you go out with a girl and have a great first date, tell her. Even if you are going to play that "wait two days before you call cause I want to play it cool" crap, at least send a note after the date to let her know you had a nice time. If she did she'll want to hear it. And she'll tell you too.

Read the original AKA male post