The Butterfly Effect

It's been a pretty tough week.

Right now there is this great guy who wants to be with me. He's kind and he's fun and really he's everything you could ask for in a boyfriend. He would treat me really great and he would never cheat on me. He even opens car doors! He's patient and considerate and we've been friends for a while so he knows me really well and accepts all my craziness.

I know you're thinking oh, boohoo, go cry your eyes out you whiny princess. But seriously, it's has caused me an amazing amount of stress. Partly because I know I'm going to have to make a decision soon. And he's trying not to pressure me and says I can date whoever I want until I figure things out, but his patience is not going to last forever and the last thing I want to do is lose a friend.

There are a million reasons to date this guy, some of them listed above. They even outweigh some of the reasons I shouldn't, like he is my friend and I have to worry about who loses our friends in the divorce if we break up, or that I don't see myself settling down at this point in my life.

But there is one thing that is really holding me back. And it may be selfish and stupid but I can't seem to get past it.

He doesn't give me butterflies.

I know that sounds stupid but I can't help it. When I was dating as a teenager it was much more common. Obviously none of them worked out cause I'm single today, but it was one of those things that you just take for granted. As an adult it's just not that easy. Guys that give me butterflies are few and far between.

But there have been a few. There have been a couple that make me nervous when I see them. That I always want to look my best for. That I really like to see or talk to on any given day. When I do, it's butterflies.

I've been lucky in the last while, because after getting out of a five-year relationship five years back  I spent the first three thinking that it just wasn't going to happen. I dated, or slept with guys who I was attracted to and stuff but it's not the same thing. But then, just like that, I met a guy who gave me serious butterflies. It was great, especially because it happened at a time where I had pretty much given up all hope if feeling that way. I had a crush! And it was awesome. 

It wasn't the last time either. A while back I not/dated a guy for a while. No, that isn't a typo but it was one of those "it's complicated" statuses on Facebook (not that I would change my FB status). It was never exclusive, actually he was a douche. And none of my friends really liked him, although I pretty sure no one ever told him that to his face. But for months we fucked every week and talked every night and right from the first day I met him he gave me butterflies.

The new guy often tells me he doesn't want to be that guy. That he won't hurt me or cheat or anything like that. But what he, and several other friends, never understood about me was that I wasn't doing it for those reasons. I didn't need the relationship. I wasn't looking for commitment. I was in it for the butterflies, simple as that. And there is a lot of stuff that I would do or put up with if that's what I'm getting in return. Twisted, I know.

I know some people are thinking that those butterflies don't last forever. Maybe that's true. But I've had some pretty long term ones. Even if they don't, shouldn't it be important to start a relationship with excitement and interest? To not have to work at it so hard right at the start?

In the last few years I've haven't met many guys who gave me butterflies. In fact, it's pretty rare.The ones  I have live away or have girlfriends so it hasn't gotten me very far. But I know it happens and if I never planned on settling down right now anyway isn't it something I should wait for?

Anyways, if it is I'll probably be passing up something that could be amazing. Is it worth it?  Am I being completely stupid about this?

I have no fucking idea.

How Do You Want To Be Shut Down?

 

Are you wearing this t-shirt? Cause apparently I am.

Sadly, this post has nothing to do with Valentine's Day. I actually started much before but haven't gotten around to finishing it till now. But on that note, it is also I Love Nova Scotia day!!! And Nova Scotia guys are one reason, even if it's just for the entertainment value they provide.

Ladies, I really am curious to know if this happens to you.

You're out with a guy and you're having a great time. You're getting along, flirting, maybe you've even kissed the guy at some point. The night is coming to an end and the guy asks if you want to go back to his place. You say you had a great time but you better not. Then the guy looks at you and says "Why not?"

I found myself in this situation a couple weeks ago. It was actually with a guy who kissed another girl on our first date so he already has a permanent place at the top of my guys I will never sleep with list. It wasn't a tough choice for me. 

But after apologizing and telling me he knew he was going to have to climb a mountain to get in my good books but he was going to do it (I'm not kidding) he still asked. And I don't think he's all that used to being told no.

He asked if I had something to do the next day. I said no. 

He asked if I was dating someone else. I said no.

Then he said "Well then, why not???"

This isn't the first time this had happened and it led me to consider two things.  

The first was...well...why not?

I like sex. A lot. And if I'm attracted to a guy and unattached I have absolutely no qualms about taking them home. Why would I? I'm sure we'd have a fantastic time. But it's never that easy, is it?

I know there are guys out there that have asked the dreaded question. Some back off, but others seriously don't understand why a girl won't go home with them. We'll, not-so-much gentlemen, as your Valentine's Day treat I'll fill you in (I know, I'm so sweet aren't I?)

There are only two reasons that the girl won't go home with you:

1) The girl is into you.

2) The girl is not into you.

Ok, it could also be her time of the month or she forgot to shave her legs or something, but aside from the physical, these are really the only reasons. 

So, let's take a look at number one from the ladies perspective.

You go out with this guy, you're hitting it off and you think, yeah, this guy seems great. Definitely worth getting to know. At the end of the night he makes the proposition. Sometimes the subtle we could have a drink at my place, other times the outright I want to sleep with you. 

In the wise words of Fergie, "I wonder if I take you home, would you still be in love baby?"

As messed up as that chick is, sometimes she gets it right. 

A girl may want to take the guy up on the offer but if she is really interested in him she shouldn't. I have nothing against first date sex in principle, but in application it  just doesn't work most of the time. 

A girl is more likely to want to have sex with a guy because she is into him. She thinks he's hot, sure, but personality is also extremely important and so is how the date went. If we had a great time, we may be more inclined to take the guy up on it. 

Problem is, there is a huge double standard at play. Guys don't want to date a girl they can sleep with right off the bat.  In other words, you give it up, they bail. It's not true in all cases, but it is in a significant about of them. Therefore, if we want to date a guy, us ladies are forced to say no, even if we really want to. 

I've slept with guys early on. Most times I don't care; sex is what I'm interested in. But twice I've been burned. I was really into two guys but slept with them too early (not at the same time, focus!). In both cases I would have been interested in more then screwing, and even though I did continue to see them, it was never more than that. And as much as we may wish it, there are just no do-overs. My close friend is convinced that this is the sole reason she doesn't have a boyfriend right now.

So, why not? Because I want to get to know you.

Problem is, if a guy is asking for sex on the first date, getting to know you is probably not his first priority anyway.

Then there is the number two scenario. You're just not into the guy. And just because he paid for your meal doesn't mean he's earned a spot in your bed. Maybe he has bad breath. Maybe he was rude to the waiter. Whatever it is, you don't have the desire to sleep with him.

Which leads me to the second thing I considered. 

If this is the case, guys, how the hell do you want us to answer your stupid question?Is there a preferred way you would like to be shut down?

Do you want to hear I'm really just not interested in having sex with you, or you at all?

What about  I don't find you attractive and I really didn't have a great time on this date?

How about You're just not doing it for me?

We could always go with the simple It's not me, it's you.

In the case stated above I told him that he hadn't even laced up his hiking boots, nevermind climbed a mountain. He said "but I am into you and you are into me. It'd be so good".

I said I really didn't think it was a good idea. He continued to push.

Finally I said I was on my period. He was like ok, great, maybe next time. Why didn't you just say so?

Dear God, why are men so stupid?

Read the reply by @isaiditnowdeal

Reply: Why Guys Fight: It's a Five Step Process ( Are You for Real????)

 

So I didn't finish this post last night and @isaiditnowdeal is going to kill me. But hopefully he'll understand that Gossip Girl was on and for some strange reason that I don't even fully understand myself I have an unhealthy interest in the lives of the Upper Eastsiders. I miss Chuck, Blair and Dan if I don't see them for too long. Not Serena and Nate though. They are  boring.

Also, I'm extremely uninspired to write this post. Why? It's crap. Five step process? Please. Maybe that's the way these things should go, but it's just not the case.

Anyways, I know all week you have either been waiting anxiously or couldn't give a fuck about what happened with Winnie the Pooh.

A couple of years ago on Halloween @isaiditnowdeal and I were downtown with some friends and his girlfriend at the time. We had been drinking for a while and were headed to Taboo to close the night out. The line up was really long and we were waiting for a while. There was a guy ahead of us in a Winnie the Pooh costume who was also waiting and the line hadn't moved. He eventually started saying that everyone should leave Taboo (there was no one inside the club, the line was just for show) and go somewhere else where they're not assholes. He shouted to everyone in line that we should all just go. He turned around to @isaiditnowdeal and said "Do you want to go?" in his friendliest, I'm-in-a-Winnie-the-Pooh-costume way.

It took several of us to hold @isaiditnowdeal back. Even after Winnie the Pooh left @isaiditnowdeal kept trying to leave the line and go after him.

What step of the five step process was that exactly?

Truth is that there are just some guys who enjoy fighting. Most men, the ones who are more evolved, can settle things without coming to blows. But for the ones who like to fight, how often do they go through all of those stages, not have the other guy back off and then still have to swing?

Answer: Very rarely. For @isaiditnowdeal I  guarantee it's less times than he has fought.

No, more often it's not that the a guy keeps hitting on the girl. It's that the boyfriend is so jealous and possessive he can't stand someone else showing his girl attention. He needs to feel like the "alpha male".

Girls think this is stupid.

Do we want you to help us out if we ask for it? Yes. If I guy is bothering us or scaring us might we need your help? Possibly. If the guy walks up to your girlfriend in front of you and says "Fuck your boyfriend, come home with me instead" then by all means, hit him. But, other than that there is really no reason for a guy to fight.

What should happen is: 

- Guy hits on girl.

- Girl says "I'm here with someone else" or, if boyfriend is close by, "this is my boyfriend." 

- Guy says "Oh, too bad." 

The end.

Girls shouldn't be letting random guys buy them drinks if they are there with their boyfriend. If you girlfriend doesn't acknowledge you standing there or lets some random get her drunk with you near, it's your girl who you need to have the problem with, not the other guy.

But, if the girl lets the guy know that she has a boyfriend upfront you need to back down, even if she chooses to finish her conversation at the bar. You need to trust that having some random guy hit on her is not going to convince her to leave you and go make out with that guy. It happens all the time when you're not around anyway.

But no, there are some guys that just can't do it. They need to drape their arm over the girl to mark their territory. They need to throw hard cold stares to intimidate the enemy. You may as well just take off your shirt and start beating on your chest. Drag your knuckles on the ground while you're at it. You look like an idiot and it's very unattractive.

The five step process is just a justification for fighting. It makes the male look good, but only according to a hypothetical situation that just doesn't happen or, at the very least, is not the reason most fights occur in bars. Basically it's bullshit.

So guys, instead of even trying to understand why some males just don't evolve past neanderthal, I leave you with five reasons that we ladies don't want you to fight.

1) It's Embarrassing - Whether you win or lose it's still embarrassing. You might think it's romantic or something but when all is said and done everyone is just staring at us chicks like we're the one who caused the fight. 

2) I wanted my date in the club, not the emergency room - If you seriously get hurt it just sucks. Then a perfectly good date winds up with us nursing your wounds or hanging out in the hospital. It's not fun. When us girls were looking for a fun night it didn't involve cleaning up someone's blood.

3) I don't like talking to police unless they are hitting on me - Actually, I don't even like them then. Unless they are really hot. Anyway, spending the night giving a statement sucks. If the other guy is seriously hurt it's awful explaining to the cops that our caveman boyfriends needed to assert male dominance and that's why the other guy cracked his skull on the curb.

4) Great, now this is my fucking problem - Did we ask to get kicked out or banned from the club? And surely we're now going to be fighting with you all night about your temper and possessiveness. What if you get arrested and now we don't have a way home? Seriously, we don't need this bullshit.

5) You don't trust me - That's the worst of it. What your feeling the need to beat someone to a pulp implies is that you don't trust us not to respond to their advances. If you did trust us you could rest assured that a guy showing us attention isn't going to mean we're going to run off with them. If you trust us and aren't possessive, there isn't any need fight.

I understand that sometimes a guy has to do what he has to do. Most guys aren't going to let a guy hit them and not hit back. They aren't going to take a guy calling them names or shouting horrible things about their girlfriends. Those are times when fighting can be justified.

But to hit a guy cause he thinks your girl is hot? That's just your insecurity talking....err, hitting, since you obviously aren't capable of settling it with words.

Instead, try this: Feel good cause your girl is hot. Be flattered that someone noticed. Feel reassured that your girl is with you. Then let go and enjoy your night.

Cause you know what's really hot? A guy that is secure enough and confident enough to know that other guy isn't a threat.  Confidence is sexier than playing the brute every time.

 Lastly, a present. Cause it's just too good not to link to :)


Read the original post by @isaiditnowdeal