It's been a pretty tough week.
Right now there is this great guy who wants to be with me. He's kind and he's fun and really he's everything you could ask for in a boyfriend. He would treat me really great and he would never cheat on me. He even opens car doors! He's patient and considerate and we've been friends for a while so he knows me really well and accepts all my craziness.
I know you're thinking oh, boohoo, go cry your eyes out you whiny princess. But seriously, it's has caused me an amazing amount of stress. Partly because I know I'm going to have to make a decision soon. And he's trying not to pressure me and says I can date whoever I want until I figure things out, but his patience is not going to last forever and the last thing I want to do is lose a friend.
There are a million reasons to date this guy, some of them listed above. They even outweigh some of the reasons I shouldn't, like he is my friend and I have to worry about who loses our friends in the divorce if we break up, or that I don't see myself settling down at this point in my life.
But there is one thing that is really holding me back. And it may be selfish and stupid but I can't seem to get past it.
He doesn't give me butterflies.
I know that sounds stupid but I can't help it. When I was dating as a teenager it was much more common. Obviously none of them worked out cause I'm single today, but it was one of those things that you just take for granted. As an adult it's just not that easy. Guys that give me butterflies are few and far between.
But there have been a few. There have been a couple that make me nervous when I see them. That I always want to look my best for. That I really like to see or talk to on any given day. When I do, it's butterflies.
I've been lucky in the last while, because after getting out of a five-year relationship five years back I spent the first three thinking that it just wasn't going to happen. I dated, or slept with guys who I was attracted to and stuff but it's not the same thing. But then, just like that, I met a guy who gave me serious butterflies. It was great, especially because it happened at a time where I had pretty much given up all hope if feeling that way. I had a crush! And it was awesome.
It wasn't the last time either. A while back I not/dated a guy for a while. No, that isn't a typo but it was one of those "it's complicated" statuses on Facebook (not that I would change my FB status). It was never exclusive, actually he was a douche. And none of my friends really liked him, although I pretty sure no one ever told him that to his face. But for months we fucked every week and talked every night and right from the first day I met him he gave me butterflies.
The new guy often tells me he doesn't want to be that guy. That he won't hurt me or cheat or anything like that. But what he, and several other friends, never understood about me was that I wasn't doing it for those reasons. I didn't need the relationship. I wasn't looking for commitment. I was in it for the butterflies, simple as that. And there is a lot of stuff that I would do or put up with if that's what I'm getting in return. Twisted, I know.
I know some people are thinking that those butterflies don't last forever. Maybe that's true. But I've had some pretty long term ones. Even if they don't, shouldn't it be important to start a relationship with excitement and interest? To not have to work at it so hard right at the start?
In the last few years I've haven't met many guys who gave me butterflies. In fact, it's pretty rare.The ones I have live away or have girlfriends so it hasn't gotten me very far. But I know it happens and if I never planned on settling down right now anyway isn't it something I should wait for?
Anyways, if it is I'll probably be passing up something that could be amazing. Is it worth it? Am I being completely stupid about this?
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