Open relationships. I got nothing.Nah, I'm lying. But I have to confess that I have never been in one. Not an official one anyway. But I do know people who are and I am always curious about how they make it work.
See, I very much like the idea of an open relationship in concept. In application....well, the jury is still out. I would love for there to be a guy who would be my boyfriend -- comes home with me at the end of the night if we're out together, takes me out on dates, people know we are together, and have an emotional connection -- but didn't always have to be there.
Selfish? Maybe. But I'm just not the jealous type. And I think if we discussed having an open relationship and both agreed to it, I would be ok with my partner sleeping with other girls, with or without me, as long as it worked both ways.
Thing is, I haven't met any guys that can handle that. Sure, they're all for me letting them sleep around if I don't mind, but the thought of me doing it? They just can't cope.
So I often wonder, even as I read @isaiditnowdeal's post, even as I see friends who are doing it successfully (if you can call it that), if they cause more happiness or trouble.
So, where as I don't have any expert tips for you (I know, I'm shocked too!) I'll share five things that I have noticed about open relationships that lead to either their success or demise.
1) Communication is Essential -- Having an open relationship never works unless both partners are open with each other. I agree with @isaiditnowdeal completely on that front. Clear guidelines must be established and agreed upon before entering into it. Do you always play together or is it ok to do things separately? Do you need to discuss being with someone else with your partner beforehand or is it fine to tell them after the fact? Can you go home with someone else if your partner is there or do they need always be included?Once the ground rules are laid, make sure you talk to your partner as things occur. Nothing will destroy a relationship faster, open or otherwise, than keeping secrets.
2) Know Why You Are Doing It - @isaiditnowdeal is bang on with this one. I know a girl in an open relationship who believes her partner was amazing. She says he treats her good and takes care of her and therefore deserves to be treated every once in a while. But although she never says it, and often plays too, it bothers the fuck out of her. She often has to repeat to herself that he deserves this and he loves her, etc. She'll leave the room if she knows he's got his eye on someone else, not to give him space, but so that he doesn't see how much it bothers her. They've been together for a long time, so maybe it doesn't bother her as much as it seems to. But I'm pretty confident that's she's not in it because it's making her happy. And doing it for that reason can cause jealousy, resentment and self-esteem issues.
Same with the want to spice things. You may think it sounds great at the time, but you have to be able to deal with the aftermath.
3) Don't Have Double Standards - This goes to what I discussed above and why I've never been in one. And I don't think it comes across at all in @isaiditnowdeal's post. In fact, not having seen him in an open relationship, I really don't think he'd be good at this.
If you are in an open relationship that consists of more than asking someone to join you now and then, it's important to be accepting of your partner if you expect them to do the same for you. I sometimes see open relationships where it is agreed upon that this can take place, but when the subject is actually brought up (I want to sleep with this person, still ok with you?) one party isn't comfortable anymore. Concept vs application. It works both ways, but in my case it's the guy who gets upset. I was hooking up with a guy who I wasn't committed to, but could always talk about other people he slept with or went on dates with. But when it came to me doing the same he got really jealous. It's extremely selfish to think you can ask a person to only be with you and then think you can be with other people. It has to work both ways.
4) Monogamy isn't as important as honesty - In @isaiditnowdeal's experience with his ex, she said it was ok if he went and had fun without her. He considered this cheating. I don't see it that way at all. If she is ok with it, and he is honest with her about what he does, then it should be fine. If it was another situation and both parties are comfortable with the other being with someone else then it isn't cheating based on how they define their relationship. But they should be able to talk about it openly and honestly. If my partner was out with someone else I would much rather know about it than find out he kept it a secret. Otherwise, I'm good. All I ask is that he talk to me, wrap it up, and keep both of us safe. I'm sure I'd enjoy hearing about it later.
5) Don't neglect your partner - This is important in both scenarios. If you are playing together, it is important not to make your partner feel irrelevant. They come first, always. And from my own experience being an addition to an open relationship, that's ok and how it should be. I actually feel more uncomfortable if I'm getting much more attention than a person's other half. And I'm certainly not interested in participating in any drama later.
If your other half has an eye on someone else, and you have agreed this is ok, it still shouldn't take place while you are together somewhere as a couple. I hate competing for a guy's attention, and should never have to compete for my own boyfriend's. And it wouldn't be ok with me for him to choose to go home with another girl over me. With that said, if we talked about it after I wouldn't be adverse to them hooking up another night. Maybe one where I'm "busy"too.
@isaiditnowdeal has some good advice in his post, even if I don't agree with all of it. He also has decidedly more experience in the area than me. But, hey, I'm usually right more than he is. And I haven't given up on the dream.
