Sex: Coles Notes

When said (tweeted, whatev) yesterday that all I could think about was sex I wasn't lying. It's been on my mind for a few days now and I can't seem to get it off. No, I'm not going to just go sleep with just anyone (don't suggest it), I'm far too picky for that. But it doesn't mean I'm still not thinking about it. 

It's funny, because I don't think men realize that girls think about it a lot too. I mean, a lot. We're supposed to be somewhat coquettish and not let guys know outright, but if a girl ever tells you that sex doesn't cross her mind at least a dozen times a day (being modest here) she's either lying or has never had an orgasm. Poor soul.

In any event I've been slightly preoccupied lately. So I was gonna write something about relationships or whatever, but instead you have this. 

I've had fantastic sex and...not so great sex (to put it kindly). Most experiences fall somewhere in between. I can't speak for all girls - we are all different - but I thought I'd share a couple things that turn me on.

Foreplay - When I'm with a guy I want to feel like he can't wait to be with me. But with that said, he should wait. Foreplay can extend the experience and make it soooo much hotter. I'm sure the guys out there have heard this before, but don't ever underestimate it. We ladies want to be kissed and touched before we just jump in bed with someone. And most will totally want to reciprocate (this chick anyway).  

This is important for lots of women, even in (or maybe especially in) long-term relationships. It keeps things exciting and presents lots of opportunity for variety. So fellas, talk, tease, strip, touch, feel and play, so by the time it comes to doing it the girl is the one who can't wait to be with you.

Mix it up - There are some girls that would prefer to have sex in the safety of their own home in the comfort of their bed with the door locked and curtains drawn tight. They want sex to be completely private and that's definitely ok - more power to ya. I'm just not one of those chicks. 

Maybe it's my personality type but I'm always much more excited when there is an element of risk involved. This doesn't means I'm going to have sex on the front lawn in the daytime or anything like that, nor do I expect every experience to be risky. But for chicks like me it is definitely ok to do stuff to make us want you in public. Kiss us passionately and unexpectedly on the street. Cop a feel when no one is looking. See what you can get away with. 

When we do take it somewhere more private be creative. Remember that things don't need to be confined to the bed. And top and bottom are great, but don't limit yourself to the standard positions.

Express yourself - A friend was telling me about a guy she was sleeping with not long ago who was completely quiet every time they had sex. Afterward he told her how great she was. She was baffled. 

I can't recall being in this situation, but I wouldn't know what to think. I'd probably be so worried about my performance that I'd be to distracted to be into yours.

Guys, if you are enjoying it we want to know. Show enthusiasm. Unless you are trying not to get caught [ :-) ] we want to hear you breathe, moan, say our name, and tell us you're enjoying it. I'm not saying it should be forced, but no reason to hold back either.

Spice and Sugar - There are girls out there who want everything about sex to be tied to romance. Maybe one day I'll get there, but I'm not so sure. I prefer it to be hot. I want it to be spice before and during. 

But if I'm really into you, I want it to be sugar after. I know there are guys out there that hate to cuddle. But for the record, cuddling after sex doesn't mean we want to marry you. It just means that after it feels nice, really nice, to be held. 

It's also a good indicator for you. If I didn't enjoy myself I'll probably have a cig and leave.  

This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are lots of things I like. But I'm not about to give everything away. Where would be the fun in that?

Read the male reply by i.said.it.now.deal

Reply: 20 Questions Men Want Answers To

Ok. It's been a strange week for me and I'm actually in a men suck kind of mood right now. But I'm going to try and answer i.said.it.now.deal's questions as honestly as possible. Although, I have to say most of these questions depend on the person answering them, so I warn you, my answers aren't going to be the same as the next woman's. 

By the way, this was a cop-out. I reserve the right to put a similar post in my back pocket for when I'm too tired to write.

The Physical:

1) Which is more important, an attractive face or an attractive body?

For me, an attractive face always wins out. Every time.

2) When it comes to body type, do you prefer: (a) slim build (b) average build (c) toned build (d) muscular build

I would date a guy with b or c with very little preference. D is ok too. Actually, unless we were on a beach I probably wouldn't even notice the difference -- it is definitely less of a concern to me than i.said.it.now.deal. I also know several very hot guys with a slim build. However, if a guy is thinner than me I have an issue. I'm not a big girl by any means. But if I cuddle with or am on top of a guy who's smaller than me I feel like I'll break them and it does a number of the self-esteem. I have stopped dating guys for this reason. 

3) What one physical trait most attracts you to a guy?

Ummmmm....I don't know. Probably the smile. I am a sucker for a sexy smile. I like the devilish look.

4) Personal hygiene is obviously a selling point, should a guy: (a) shave completely (b) shave chest only (c) shave only below the equator (d) I love hairy men

Huh. Guys think about this eh? I don't think a guy should shave his legs or anything, but if they shave their chest and below the equator it makes it more enjoyable to... ;-)

5) What physical trait most turns you off a guy?

If a guy is tooooo small. See the above for my comments on thin. I like to feel like a guy can keep me safe. They don't have to be really built, in fact I prefer if they're not, but just taller and thicker than I am. 

The Intellect:

1) Complete the phrase. I like my man to be: (a) less intelligent than I (b) smarter than I (c) of equal intelligence

Odd question. I believe that people can be more or less intelligent than others in certain areas. For example (a very simple one) I'm sure i.said.it.now.deal knows much less about applying eyeshadow than I do. My last boyfriend knew tons of stuff about cars and fixing things, which I have no clue about. But I wouldn't call him smarter than me by a long shot. 

Anyways, I'll generalize for a moment. Smart = sexy for me. I loooovvveee smart guys. I like to be able to debate things with and learn things from a partner. I don't want a guy who is less intelligent. I have little patience for them. Personality wise, this is a dealbreaker for me. I need to have intelligent conversations. 

There is a guy who wants to go out with me right now who is sooooo good-looking. Tanned, built, sexy smile. But he doesn't read. Doesn't care about what's going on in the world at all. Spends most of his time talking about weight training and sports. I won't go out with this guy.

I'm highly opinionated, but more than anything I love to be challenged. So I guess you can be of equal intelligence or smarter, but definitely not less.  

2) How important is education? (a) He must have completed university/college (b) Education isn't all that important, there is more to someone than being book smart.

I'm never going to ask a guy to see his diploma before I date him. In fact, whether they've completed school or not never really crosses my mind. But with that said, see above. I think a lot of interest in the world is developed in university/college so that can be a bonus. But if a guy has developed it some other way fine by me. 

3) Which of the following statements best describes what you want in a person: (a) It is important that my partner continue to self-improve himself. (b) I don't care if my partner continues to self-improve himself, I fell for him because of who he is.

 LOL! It completely depends on the guy. I guess I don't want a partner to say "hey, I made it to my 20s. I'm done developing as a person." That would just be silly.

4) Is it possible for someone to be too smart, that it becomes a turn-off?

Not really. If anything was going to be the turn off it would be how they present it. If they are supper arrogant and snobbish about it, that would be a turn off. But that's not the same thing as being too smart. 

5) Are women intimidated by intelligent men?

Not in the slightest. 

Likes and Dislikes:

1) How important is it that you and your prospective partner share similar interests: (a) Very important (b) Somewhat important (c) Not important at all

I guess I'll go middle of the road here. They don't have to have all similar interests. But we have to have some common ground. It's good if we can do things we both like together, but get space from doing things the partner isn't into with other friends. 

2) Which statement best describes you: (a) I want my partner to take an interest in my likes. (b) I want my partner to take an interest in my likes even if he has to fake it (c) If he has no interests in my likes, I don't want him to bother. He should just say so.

Tricky question. I would like my partner to be honest with me. Take the ballet for example (guys cringe everywhere lol). If you don't like the ballet, say you don't like the ballet. There will still be some times you will probably still have to go with me, but I would severely limit it knowing that you don't like it. On those rare occasions when you do have to go,  you should suck it up and not complain. You're there because it is important to me. 

Also, if you don't have to come, you should at least let me talk about the experience if I want to. In turn, I will go to car shows etc. with a smile on my face and appear convincingly interested and ask questions as you describe car engines to me. 

Yeah, no worries. I actually hate the ballet.  

3) Would you ever do something that you completely hate or bores you, because your partner really wants to?

Hahahaha - yes. See above. I would without question as long as they are supportive of me too. But I have to confess, if it's not a two-way street I'll just resent them after a while.

4) What is one interest that women wish men would involve themselves in?

Shopping. I hope the guy I marry will be really interested in buying me new clothes and shoes. 

5) You discover your partner has an unusual interest, you: (a) Accept it and let him continue, after all it's his interest and you don't have to partake. (b) Tell him that it's weird and to stop it. (c) Realize, holy shit this is too weird for me, I better call www.idump4u.com and end this quickly.

Depends on what it is. I'm pretty open-minded so I would likely accept something that's just different. But let's say he has an interest for cutting up bodies. Then Bradley can call him while I move out of town.

The Random Ones

1) When in a relationship, after a certain period of time has elapsed how important is it that you and your partner start doing things as a "couple" (ie: events, etc...) (a) Very important, if we're a couple we should be involved in each others lives, unless it's a special circumstance. (b) Some what important. It's important we give one another the choice to go as a couple, but not feel like we have to. (c) Not important. Hell, I don't want to have to bring him with me.

This is very important to me. I think it is important that partners have some space apart from each other, yes. And take some time going out with the girls/guys. But a guy who is really into me will be proud to have me as their girlfriend and want to show me off. And I'm a pretty social butterfly. I'm not about to stay home and watch my man go out if I want to go and there is no good reason for me not being there.

It is also one of the key indicators  for me of whether I really want to be with a guy. Am I comfortable bringing him around my friends? Do I want him next to me when I go out? If the answer is no I usually break up with them. 

2) Is it important to know your partners sexual history? (a) Yes, I want to know all the details. (b) Depends, knowing how many partners he's been with is important. (c) No way. I don't want to know a single detail.

I don't need to know everything about my partner's sexual history. I don't really care. But I do want to be able to discuss things openly with them - have you ever tried this? Where was the craziest place you had sex? etc. I also want to be able to be able to answer any questions the guy may ask me without fear of jealously or repercussions. 

3) What are your thoughts on second chances? (a) I have limits for a reason, he knew them, he broke them, it's over...goodbye. (b) It depends on what he did and how bad it was, I'd more than likely give him a second chance.

I'm a pretty forgiving person. I'm gonna go with b. Is this about cheating? I haven't been cheated on much. I think my ego would be hurt because I always want to be first choice. But I also think just sex and an ongoing affair are two different things. I'm not sure what I'd do.  But chances are always better if you're straight up with me. 

4) Your guy is going out with the boys for the night, how do you expect him to act? (a) I expect him to keep to his group of friends only and ward off any advances from other girls. After all, he has a girlfriend. (b) I don't care if he chats with/buys drinks/flirts with other girls, as long as he keeps his hands to himself. (c) I don't care what my guy does, as long as he doesn't kiss or take another girl home; grind up on her all you want, he's coming home to me later.

I'm not the jealous type. I don't want my boyfriend spending money on another girl. But I'm not going to be worked up about him chatting to one either. 

5) Complete this sentence... "I wish more men would ______."

? So random. I wish more men would fly me to places around the world. Other than that I can't think of anything.


Read the original Male post by i.said.it.now.deal

Reply: Getting Older Just Sucks or Maybe I'm Procrastinating

Alright. This took forever for me to write. I really have been busy, helping friends through breakups, spending time with that guy who makes my head spin, attending the start of Christmas parties and working late. I have not been procrastinating, because frankly this topic doesn't bother me much at all. Much.

I get it. I really do. I'm just not as affected by it as most of the single girls, and at least one single guy, that I know. 


I guess I'll address i.said.it.now.deal first, before I explore the issue more broadly. You are not too picky. It's an excuse for sabotage. It looks like you are picky because you break up with girls for superficial, and frankly stupid reasons. The first girl isn't thin enough, but the next girl is unhealthy looking. You always date blondes and brunettes are your type. A girl with a good career is too busy, but one with just a job wants too much of your time. Whatever. 


Ladies, if you encounter him he is, in fact, a good catch. But as much as he thinks he is, he's not ready. Not really. He needs to really let go of the past if he is ever going to move forward. Still, he, like so many others, is just bothered by that tick tock, society-imposed clock.

There is a huge pressure on single 20-somethings. Even more on 30-somethings. It's mostly unintentional - you walk into the situation that i.said.it.now.deal walked into - but sometimes it is intentional - "why don't you find a nice man to settle down with?" (Please stop mom).


It's awful when your friends start to become all couples. And for girls it's worse. 

I have a friend who's boyfriend, in all fairness, may or may not be an idiot. I don't know him well but I'm not impressed by the way he treats her. But she is sooo hung up -- at the late-in-life age of 27 -- on having a baby. If this guy isn't the guy then she'll never have a baby. She'll be 28 and single and not have a baby!

To her, this really is the end of the world. Not the fact that she could wind up with a guy who treats her poorly and spend most of her life miserable or walking on eggshells trying to please a man who is going to be an idiot regardless. It's that at 28  she is an old woman who isn't married and preggers. 


Yeesh. Any guesses on why the divorce rate is 50 per cent?


I am extremely independent. I have a career, pay my bills and take care of myself. I, like i.said.it.now.deal, also tend to date for short periods of time before breaking it off (months usually, not days like some people). But for me, it's because  spending five years in a relationship that wasn't working taught me something. A lot of things actually. But one thing I learned is that I won't settle ever again. To me, nothing is worth a lifetime of unhappiness. 


There are too many people who marry to have kids. There are too many people who stay married because of kids. There are too many people who give in to that apple-pie, sun-shiney picture of where they are supposed to be in life. They see some other couple "chasing after toddlers" and doing couple things and feel sad, and left out, and like there is something is wrong with them. Those couples just look so damn happy. 


Let me tell you a secret. Some are extremely happy. Others most definitely are not. About half if you go by the stats. 


I don't think that baby is an excuse either. You can adopt. And with science, you don't even need a partner to have your own (although I believe there is no job harder than a single parent). But more importantly, a baby is a person. They grow up. Children think and feel and are extremely intuitive. So if your gut is telling you that guy/girl is not right long term, bringing kids in the mix won't make it better. It makes it much, much, much worse. And on top of that, it's selfish. 

But I understand the pressure. Remember that scene in Bridget Jones when she goes to the couple's party? Yeah, we've all had moments like that. And sometimes they get to me.


Sometimes, when I'm bored, or feel lonely, or find myself at the couples table, I feel just as sad. I wonder if that guy I'm meant to be with is actually out there or if I've missed the boat. 

But I'm 28. And I know the alternative. And I know I have time. Why worry now? 


So I remember that the grass is always greener and all that. I don't spend much energy worrying about the future. Worry has never helped or changed anything. 

I accept my life, single and all, and enjoy it. I hope i.said.now.deal learns to do the same. 

Oh, and if you're one of those "oh that poor single person" people here's my message: There is nothing wrong with us. We are not lacking. So fuck off.

Read the original post A.K.A. male post by i.said.it.now.deal. 

Math of the 20-something Single Guy

I met a great-looking guy last night. He was friendly, had a great job, loved to travel, knew how to dance and made me laugh lots in the short time I spent with him. And he lived in another province. 

This is rule rather than the exception here. The guys who seem worth getting to know are always just visiting. I watch friend after friend bump into the same problem. 

I often wonder if there are any 20-something single guys in this city worth dating. In fact, I have often said that I have no intention of settling down until I am 35. I usually get that "are you nuts" look until I explain my theory. 

Right now, in my late 20s, pickings are pretty slim. There are guys to pass time with sure, but no guys really worth investing any serious time with. Those guys are already in a healthy relationship or married. But by the time I'm in my 30s, factoring in the 50% divorce rate, there are going to be tons of guys who married too young back on the market. And maybe some of the 20-something singles right now will have the time they need to grow up. 

Yeah, I know it's a bit harsh. And maybe, just maybe, there are some guys worth dating still single. But I doubt it. I've done the math. 

I'm not going to get into all the possibilities. I wouldn't be here forever (men aren't that complicated) but I would be here longer than I care to sit. So here are some popular ones.

Good-looking + Great Job = Douchebag

In the not-so-long-ago past I was hooking up with this amazing guy. It lasted for about 8 months and only really ended when he moved away. He had it all. He was hot, had a fantastic job, was smart, funny, and great in bed. He was too good to be true. 

Of course he was. Because I wasn't the only girl that thought that way about him and he knew it.  Guys in this stage of their lives who have it all and aren't in a committed relationship don't feel the need to be in one. They are single by choice. There are far too many pretty 20-something single girls out there willing to continue to feed their egos. Picking up a girl for sex requires little effort on their part, so why not do it? 

Most girls love and hate this guy. He's the bad boy and the manwhore. It's fun to see if we can get them and change them, but really, they'll either settle down when their ready (not in their 20s) or be a bachelor for life. In the meantime, we become just another notch on their belt. 

These guys are great for flings (it was a pretty friggin fantastic fling), especially if you can play with them a bit and have them be the ones guessing for a change. But they aren't the ones you give your heart to. This particular guy left a trail of brokenhearted women in his wake. 

So have a good time and great sex, but don't be surprised when he turns out to be a douchebag.

Good-looking + Special Skill = Douchebag

This guy is exactly like the guy above except he doesn't even need a good job! This is the guy in the band. The sexy artist. The semi-professional sports player. The guy you see other girls looking at and who it feels exciting to be seen on their arm. Screw? Sure, if you want to. Date? Hey, if you are into being cheated on, knock yourself out.

Good-looking + Nice = Broke

These guys are so disappointing! You know them. You see a hot guy. He asks you out. You get excited -- how could this guy possibly be single? He takes you out for coffee and you find out he is......"between jobs".  

These are the guys who lack the ambition and drive to do much with their lives. They live in their parents basement and their moms do their laundry. Some don't even see why that should ever change. 

In any case, these guys just haven't it figured out. They talk about getting jobs they're not skilled for. They talk about going back to school, even though you have never seen them with an application. They say shit like "I'll never be a rich man, but I'll always be good to you". They seem to be several steps behind in this game called life.

Just for clarification, a good job is relative to the girl looking to date the guy. For some, it's just a stable income. For others, it means some kind of prestige. For me personally, it's having job security and enough money to pay the bills and travel. It doesn't mean they are rich (wouldn't it be nice though!). But a guy in his 20s should be able to take a girl out on date night. And if the relationship progresses to the serious stage, he damn well better be able to pay half the bills. 

 

Good Job + (Funny, Smart)  = Unattractive

Mr. Personality. Dammit. We love Mr. Personality! He is sooo fun to hang out with. He's interesting and funny and kind and plans great dates. He would move the sun and the moon to be with us. But......

We just can't seem to pull him out of the friend category. I've tried. I've tried over and over and over. In the end, not being attracted to a person is a real relationship killer. 

One of my exes is like this. We still have lunch together weekly. He makes me laugh, and debates things with me and I always have a great time. And it's not that he's ugly. He's not. But in the end I just can't bring myself to want him. And there is something awful about being with someone you don't want to kiss or have sex with. It's tragic, but true.

Good job + (Nice, Smart) = Boring

These guys are not as common as the others, but they are definitely out there. And it's possible that there are some single 20-something girls that these guys are perfect for. In that case, I hope you find each other. Because they are DEFINITELY not for me. 

There are several things that can make a guy boring. They might suck at conversation. They may just agree with everything you say (always a dealbreaker for me). They may want to stay home all of the time. Whatever it is, they're often not great daters. Having fun together is necessary when you are dating. Unless you are an equally boring girl. In which case, have fun....err....enjoy your mildly stimulating time together. 

Could I pick one of these guys? Yes. But I have no intention of settling. It doesn't mean we can't hang out, go dancing or have a fling. But Mr. Right, I'll see you in my 30s.

Read the Male Reply by i.said.it.now.deal

Why Does EVERY Breakup Have to be Epic?

They say breaking up is hard to do. Well, Neil Sedaka does anyway. But why does that ALWAYS seem the case?

I hate breaking up. Not because it's sad. Not because I'm scared I'll hurt someone or be hurt. Solely because it's always long and drawn out and exhausting.

I just broke up with a guy that I was seeing for a couple of months. He was great. He was kind and caring and he really liked me. But he wasn't for me. I tried to stick it out and hoped he'd grow on me (ladies, don't do this!) but everyday I felt I was suffocating.

So I told him this. And what followed was hours of persuasion to try and change my mind and a million follow up phone calls and texts. In total, more than 24 hours of long discussion that kept going nowhere.

Now I know breakups suck, especially if you're on the receiving end.  But does it really need to be this way? I can understand dating for years and putting in 24 hours of dumpsville drama, but two months?

Full disclosure. I haven't been dumped a whole lot. But I have been enough to know how much it can hurt. I usually get mad, may even cry, but ultimately the face to face interaction in ending it is very limited. I live by a simple philosophy: This too shall pass. 

With this in mind, not every breakup has to be dramatic. And it doesn't need to be talked to death. 

In high school everything seems like the end of the world, especially losing a boyfriend. But by the time you hit 20-something, relationships are no longer high school flings. If it is going to be the long-term, forever, starry kind of romance then it has to right for both people. And 20-somethings are much more focused on finding someone for the long hall, especially entering the latter years.

That doesn't mean people should settle. Being compatible, great sex, and sometimes even love, aren't always enough for a relationship to work. And rather than prolonging something that isn't good for either person, isn't the sensible thing just to end it?

I can be as emotional as they come. But I don't want to be in a relationship where the guy is with me because he doesn't want to hurt me. I would think a guy would want the same from me. And interestingly enough, in my experience, guys have just as hard a time letting it go as women - maybe even more.  In either case, if you know, it's best to cut it off before too long. Before you have to figure out ways to divide the couch you bought together. 

So if the relationship isn't super serious, and someone is doing you a favour by telling you it's not right, and you know in your heart of hearts that in time it won't hurt anymore, why not skip the 10 hours of convo?

Yell, scream, cry, talk. Whatever your style is. But let's keep it in the half hour range, k?

Want the male perspective? Check out the reply by i.said.it.now.deal

The First Date

Sigh. i.said.it.now.deal is so much more cynical than I am.

Full disclosure. I'm not in the best mood so I doubt that the wonder and magic of a first date is going to come shining through in this post. However, even feeling crappy (it is Monday!) I still expect a good first date to be better than what he is proposing.

I once said, and not long ago, that i.said.it.now.deal was going to be the first person to single-handedly create a trending topic with his own tweets. That hashtag would be #thisiswhyimstillsingle.

His post about first dates is just another indicator of why this is the case. Guys, plllleeeeaaaasssseee don't listen to him. I don't think you should have to break the bank, but for godsakes put in a bit of effort!

For one thing, i.said.it.now.deal is basing this, I think, I hope, on online dating or blind dating. For that, some of the things he says is fine. A cup of coffee is a good place to start if you don't know someone. It gives you a chance to talk and also provides a location with people around - if you've ever online dated and had a bad one, you know how important that can be.

But if you are a guy and you like someone, you ask them out. And if you are excited about going out with that girl that you chose (and I don't mean from a list of bullshit profile photos), then putting in a little effort can go a long way.

I wouldn't call my list rules. They are more like considerations. But guys, note this post is for you. I am trying to help you out!! These tips apply to the real world, not the cyber one.

Tip 1: Location, location, location....can mean a lot - If you are interested in a girl then it is worthwhile to put some thought into a location. It should be a place you can have a conversation, yes. But at the same time picking somewhere you are both interested in and can have fun at can help ease the mood. For me a coffee is o.k. as a first date. But I am way more likely to go home thinking about the guy I just had an awesome first date with. One that was fun and where I laughed a lot. One that made me learn something or was romantic (not overly though) or was different from other dates that lame guys have taken me on. Location can have a lot to do with that. It isn't everything - you'll either wind up having a good time (or not) wherever it is you go - but it sure as hell doesn't hurt. I've never gotten really worked up over a guy who took me for a coffee. It barely even counts.

Tip 2: Dark rooms can be cool - Yeah, so a movie isn't always the greatest place for a first date. But sometimes it can be. If you are really shy, or nervous, it can be a way to think of something to talk about and lead to great conversation afterwards. It is also good if you have known the person outside of dating for some time. Interested in a girl from work and you both want to see the same flick? Why not go together! But in general it's not a great way to get to know someone. That doesn't mean rule all dark rooms out. Be creative. Why not try glow in the dark mini-golf? Or going to a haunted house around Halloween? It's o.k. to think outside the box.

Tip 3: It's o.k. to sparkle a bit - Ok, i.said.it.now.deal. WTF? Why does anyone date you? Guys, you don't have to be too extravagant. But if coffee is your default for all girls in all situations and your level of interest is never a factor, well you just don't deserve to get past a first date. And what is this one-hour time limit? Most of the time you should just suck it up and stick out a few hours for a date. If a date is going that badly it's o.k. to have an exit strategy in your back pocket (yeah, I've done it). But by limiting yourself to one hour you may be cheating yourself out of a really fantastic and memorable time. i.said.it.now.deal acts like a first date is like being forced to sit next to someone you don't know at an awkward dinner party. It's not. You should be on the date because you are interested in the person and therefore want to spend some time getting to know them. And creativity can help. See Tip 1.
 

I do give him some credit though. The bookstore is an interesting idea for some girls (myself included). But if I met up with a guy and the only thing we did was walk through a bookstore I'd probably be like "what was that?". Nice time? Maybe. Date? I don't think so.

Tip 4: At least go to the bank! - Face it guys. Even in the days of "going dutch" or the girl sometimes offering to pay, you are fully expected to pay on the first date. No exceptions. It doesn't mean you have to break the bank. If you are poor, take her for a walk or bike ride in a nice location, or do something active if she's into that. But seriously, buy her a meal or a drink or something at some point during the date. You don't have to break the bank, but if your date maxes out at $2.00 (i.e. coffee) then you just suck. Period.

You wouldn't gamble on the stock market by investing everything you have before doing your research, would you? You are so full of shit.

Tip 5: Beat her to the callback - We agree!!! If you go out with a girl and have a great first date, tell her. Even if you are going to play that "wait two days before you call cause I want to play it cool" crap, at least send a note after the date to let her know you had a nice time. If she did she'll want to hear it. And she'll tell you too.

Read the original AKA male post

One Night Stands: Rules of Engagement

He's just not that into you, needy girls and sex. 

Behind the douche. 

Datable or just fuckable?

When it was first suggested that I challenge my colleague i.said.it.now.deal and be the voice of intelligence (and sometimes sanity) to balance his overwhelming maleness, I thought it was a pretty interesting concept. Afterall, many heated discussions have followed his previous blog posts, usually beginning with "you're full of shit", and especially when I've managed to partially inspire a particular post.

So imagine my surprise when I finally get the time and motivation to write something that I would actually agree with a lot in his most recent post "One Night Stands: Rules of Engagement". As the chick who was reading He's Just Not that Into You (full disclosure!), it was especially fun seeing that some of the things i.said.it.now.deal so fiercely denied men do were actually cited in this post (I like being right ;-)

But truly, I do believe that everyone should have the one-night stand somewhere on their bucket list. And why not? There is something extremely exciting, fun, and empowering about hooking up with a hot stranger. 

i.said.it.now.deal pointed out that there is a double-standard for females. I'm not so sure that's as true anymore. In a recent game of sociables, with women of a variety of different ages and backgrounds and an "I have never" card, it came out that many of them have done it at some point. Most of my friends have, except the prudes (jk). Or at least have had the intention of it.

And unlike the plight experienced by men, it is possible for a woman to just throw it out there and get results if she so chooses, although, I think it takes away from the fun of letting them sweat.

But, there are still rules of engagement. While they are vastly different from a man's, if we followed them men probably wouldn't need so many (and you know they don't like to think too much). So, here's my go at what to do for the successful one night stand.

Rule 1: Be Safe - Men don't have to worry about this nearly as much. But if a woman is going to bring a stranger home, or worse, go to his place, safety is the most important thing. In the age of sleepwatchers, flashers, and just plain psychos (Col. Williams anyone?) it is just not cool to take the chance your one night is as nice as he seems. You should always have a friend that knows where you are and what is going on, and you should check in with them. It is safer to go to your house than his if possible, especially if you live in an apartment building. Keep your phone nearby. In the best scenarios, bringing home a someone who is a stranger to you but who a friend knows and can vouch for is ideal.

Also, never let a guy think it's o.k. to put you out after. I don't care if his grandmother is coming at 5 a.m. If you don't want to stay the night, make sure you are somewhere safe while waiting for a cab.

Rule 2: Choose Wisely - Chances are if you are ever going to do this it will be under the influence of alcohol. That is no excuse for bringing home someone that will make you want to throw up in the morning. Ideal candidates are the ones who are hot (at least good-looking!) but are lacking in the personality or intelligence departments. In fact, this may be what stupid/pretty guys were designed for. If you have a mutual acquaintance they can both vouch that he is safe and tell you if he is a good one-night candidate. DON'T take home someone you may be interested in getting to know. 

Rule 3: Think Like a Man - Yes ladies. We are emotional, indecisive, and often kid ourselves. All true (i.said.it.now.deal is smirking right now). But with a one night stand it is important to think like a man. A woman is attracted to a guy who is not only hot, but also has potential as a mate. It's just how were are built. It is, in fact, sometimes very difficult for us to separate the two. A guy's personality is a factor in how attracted to them we are. Being very attracted to them makes us want to sleep with them. See where I'm going with this?

Right to a giant STOP sign. As much as I hate this and think it is a huge double-standard, women do not have the luxury of sleeping with a guy we don't know well and expecting to get to know them. Guys, however, often do get to decide whether they want to see the girl again (although, from i.said.it.now.deal's post I'm not sure they consider it a luxury). And ladies, most often they don't want to get to know you after. 

Sure, I know about the marriages that were supposed to be one night stands (I personally know two) but they are the exception, not the rule and should be treated this way. This one can be tough, but it's also important. Avoid the heartache, pep talks and waiting by the phone. Think like a man: find someone sexy, do the deed, and peace out. If you think you'll want to date him at any point, don't do the deed. A man will do the exact same for you. 

Rule 4: You Make the Decision - No Bullshit Necessary - With a one night stand we hold the cards. Isn't it fun? If we have decided that what we want is sex, then we can put away our bullshit detectors. They're no longer necessary. All those lines about how we're sexy and beautiful (nice to hear), how they just got out of a long relationship or other such baggage (gag in my mouth), or the favourite of all women "I'll give you a call", we no longer have to sort through. We made the decision. We're here for one night only. Who gives a shit what he says?

Rule 5: Use Protection - Please say this one is obvious! The key thing about the one night is that we don't know this person. Or what they have (I know, eeew, but true). While you should be using protection anyway (and abstinence is the only 100% safeguard and all that jazz) it would royally suck to find yourself pregnant by a guy who's phone number you didn't even bother to get. Also, make sure you are the responsible one. Don't rely on him to do the right thing.

Rule 6: Don't Expect a Phone Call - So, even with all of the above, sometimes it will happen that the sex is great and you wind up pillow talking for a bit and you think "hey, maybe this guy is actually alright." By all means, enjoy it. And then forget about it. 

Unless you own a time machine you can't take back the fact that you slept with a guy you just met. There is NOTHING wrong with that, but you do waive the right to expect a phone call. If you think he is all that great, and HE ASKS for your number, then it's ok to see where it goes. Just don't wait by the phone. If he calls great. If not, don't spend a second of your time asking yourself why. You know why. Move on. 

Rule 7 - Don't forget Rule 1. The most important rule. Rule 5 is pretty damn important too.

Read the original AKA male post