Reply: Cheating: Liar Liar Pants on Fire

DAMN HIM!

This is probably the one post that @isaiditnowdeal is going to come off looking better than me. But hey, if  I'm gonna do this I may as well be honest right?

Yeah, I cheat. I couldn't tell you how many times. I've also been the chick on the side and I like it.

@isaiditnowdeal has been the one on the side many times and doesn't seem to care. It's interesting how he can say "I'm no one's moral compass" and then condemn himself and others for cheating. If you know how it made you feel and you are so against it, why encourage others to? And if you are ok with being one half of the issue, why say the other is so terrible? But, whatev. You can read his take here, but for now you get mine.

In junior high and high school there were lots of guys I dated that I didn't cheat on. There were some that I did. Kissed another guy at a party or stuff like that. Stupid stuff. I told my boyfriends after or got caught and it's amazing how many of them forgave me. But after that there are always trust issues and then there isn't any point. I usually ended it shortly after anyway because it just doesn't work. Even with second chances, there really isn't a clean slate. 

Anyway, then I met a guy and dated him for five years. And guess what? Didn't cheat on him once. Since then I've had three relationships. I've dated lots of people, but I am aware that I have commitment issues so I usually don't go there. I know I'm not ready to settle down. 

I have dated more than one person at a time. Or been seeing someone and slept with someone else. But unless there is a commitment in place I don't call that cheating. And I'm clear about not being exclusive. But three times I got it in my head that I should go for it and went all in. One time I didn't cheat. Two times I did. 

So why did I cheat? Why do people cheat at all? 

I see so many blog posts and articles on this issue that condemn cheaters. Even the authors that say they have cheated preface their story with something like "I know this is horrible but...". Whatever. 

There are theories that cheaters have low self-esteem. Huh. Last time I check my self-esteem was intact and pretty-damn high. 

Maybe cheaters are cowards? Not buying that one either. I don't like breaking up with guys (see post here) but it's not cause I'm scared to or I'm worried about hurting them. It's just bloody exhausting. 

There is also supposed to be a gene or something that makes you prone to cheating. Maybe I have that? I don't know. But my parents are still together and both say they have never cheated on each other so I probably didn't get it from them.

There is also the cheater's defense. I really didn't mean to, it just happened. I was really drunk. He/she seduced me. Blah blah blah. I promise you, as an adult, there was never a time that I cheated for any of these reasons. There was never a time I cheated because I didn't WANT to. There was never a time when I didn't fully understand the consequences of my actions.

So what then? 

My favourite relationship guru Greg Behrendt, says "if he's sleeping with someone else HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU".  (SIDE NOTE: Every single female should read this book. It's amazing. Don't see the movie, it blows. I'm Scarlett Johansson's character to a tee. Seriously, I would have made all the choices and did all the things she did. Actually, I'm pretty sure I have, so watching it is always a punch in the gut.)

But back to the book. He's just not that into you if he's cheating on you. Man, Greg is a genius! Is it that simple? Yup. Does it go for women too? Yup. 

The two guys I cheated on I just wasn't that into. And both times I was really into someone else. Couple that with opportunity and there you have it. 

In the first case, my relationship had turned sour. He was just a really negative, bitter person. I had broken up with him about a week before and then he called and convinced me to give it another go. Except then this guy I was really really attracted to wanted to hang out. You can guess how that story ended. Give you a hint: not with the boyfriend. 

The second time the guy really didn't do anything wrong. He was a nice guy. He liked me. Ok, he smothered me horribly. But he wasn't a bad guy or anything. I just wasn't that into him. So when the opportunity came to see a guy who I get turned on just thinking about, it didn't take much convincing. Could I have broken up with him first? Yeah, sure. But it would have been really awkward when it came to that point to say "Can you hang on a bit? I gotta call the boyfriend and break up. Give me about four hours."

There are some people you just really want to have sex with. It's true. I'd like to do Johnny Depp. Or either of the brothers on Supernatural. Or the angel for that matter (Love @mishacollins!). The point is there is always someone else you're going to want to have sex with somewhere. I'm looking for a guy who makes the choice easy. I don't buy once a cheater, always a cheater, because when I'm really in the relationship and really want my boyfriend, I don't cheat. 

But if I'm not, I may really enjoy being with that other person. And if there's fire, sometimes being a liar is the least of your cares.

Read the original post by @isaiditnowdeal

Do This and BUH-BYE: 7 Dealbreakers

Last week I went out with a guy. He's pretty cute, but not really my type so I said no the first few times he asked. I was also warned by several friends that he was scenario one . But eventually I did agree to go out with him, mostly because I wanted a guy to take me skating.

It started out pretty good. Skating went well, he bought me hot chocolate and then we went for a beer with some mutual friends. I had to leave to meet a friend but later we met up to go dancing. Even then things were going well. Until the end of the night. We split up in a bar, and he thought I had left so he did the logical thing...started making out with some girl on the dance floor. Which is where I found him later.

Well, he was really drunk. And it wasn't a random girl, he knew her. And he thought that I had left because I was gone so long. All this he explained while asking if we could go out again.

It's not that I really liked him or even cared that he made out with another girl. I don't. But I've never gone on a date where the guy kissed some other girl at the end of the night. If I have, the guy was at least smart enough to make sure I was gone first.

Anyways, I was trying to think of some other bad first date stories for this post but I don't have many bad first dates. Well, one, but that was entirely my fault. However, I do have many reasons for not continuing to see a guy.

If you are wondering where cheating is in the following list, no I didn't forget about it. I know @isaiditnowdeal is doing a post on that soon and I wouldn't want to steal his thunder. On purpose anyway ;)

So here it be. Seven things a guy can do to turn a girl off and/or end a relationship.

1) Smothering 

Most guys I know fall into one of two categories. They are just looking for the sex and aren't looking for a relationship, or they want all relationship all the time. I'm much more bothered by the latter.

Sometimes these guys are hard to spot. They start out perfectly normal -- taking you out every few days or so, calling about the same. And then, before you even realize how it happened, they've practically moved in. 

Don't get me wrong. I like a guy who wants to be with me. But I also need my space. I want to be able to go out with friends sometimes without the guy pouting because I'm not spending the night with him instead. PDA is ok when it's appropriate - holding my hand if we're taking a stroll on the waterfront just say - but not all the time. A guy that is too clingy in a bar or that needs to hold my hand the all night if we are out with friends makes me crazy -- not in a good way.  

This is the most common reason that I leave guys. The last guy I dated was like this. I could hardly ever finish a sentence without him kissing me. He wanted to cuddle ALL of the time. He needed to see me every day and got upset (passive-aggressively) if I went to do something else. All this despite me telling him upfront that I needed my space. 

Then one day I got up to go to the kitchen and he grabbed my hand to sit me back down. He said he wanted to be close to me. The next words out of my mouth were "Yeah, we need to talk...." End of relationship.

Most guys aren't this extreme. But this does happen a lot. And the minute I feel like I can't breathe I'm done.

2) Jealousy/Possessiveness

Where smothering is the most common reason I break up with someone, jealousy is easily the worst offense. I can't stand a jealous guy. For most other things on this list I might try and move past it. But this one is a dealbreaker. 

I'm not saying that a guy will never get jealous. It happens. Of course it happens. But it's all in how it's handled. @isaiditnowdeal said not long ago that he felt it was appropriate to hit a guy if he was hitting on his girlfriend and didn't get the "she's with me" message after a few attempts. Guess what? It's not. Not ever.

Guys, a girlfriend is not your property. You don't own her. Therefore, if a guy hits on your girlfriend, whether she knows him or not, it's up to that girl to let them know she has a boyfriend and is not interested. She can do it politely or not politely -- how she handles it is not your choice. As long as she does this you should be satisfied. Don't tell her you don't like the way she handled it (i.e. she weren't forceful enough, didn't make a big show that she's with you, etc.). 

You can also stay close by if you feel you need to, and support the girl if she asks for your help. Even make your presence known by putting your arm around her or buying her a drink (don't to the peacock thing, it's embarrassing) . But taking the first initiative without letting her respond or engaging in a fight is unacceptable. 

If you are jealous of a guy that is a close friend of hers, you need to...to put it bluntly...KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT! I swear, I  say that to help and with all the good will I can muster.  

Even if you think the guy may like her or you don't like that they are close or whatever, being jealous of a friend is a surefire way to cause tension in a relationship. If you repeatedly bring it up it will only upset her and make her feel like she has to choose. If she chooses you, she will resent you and it will manifest in other ways...I promise you that. If she chooses to keep him as a friend instead being with you...well then you're fucked aren't you? Even if it's founded and the guy does like her, she chose to be with you. And you need to trust that. 

Another thing is that you DO NOT need to know where she is every minute of the day. I once had a guy who was so possessive that he went ballistic when I missed the bus after class and came home a half hour late. I MUST have been fucking another guy. I've had guys get mad if I don't respond to a text within 10 minutes. Guys who never wanted me to go out with friends. Even a guy who conveniently showed up at the bar I was going to with the girls just to keep an eye out. It will actually make me loathe you. And it will make the relationship pointless. If you can't trust, there's nothing there.

3) Bad Sex

I LOVE sex. It's important to me in a relationship. So if it's bad....well that just sucks. Royally. 

Most guys aren't bad in bed. There are a few guys who have absolutely rocked my world. But it doesn't have to be mind-blowing to have a successful relationship (though it is a huge bonus), especially in the beginning. It's something that can be worked on and adapted over time as long as there is clear communication in the relationship. 

However, twice in my lifetime I've encountered guys who are just terrible. TMI Alert: One guy I was with only thrust about every five seconds or so. Count to five and see how long it is. Yep. It was awful. The other guy was EXTREMELY selfish -- I could have been a blow up doll or his own hand for all he cared. Then he asked if it was good for me and told me how great it was. WTF?

Unfortunately for them, I want to have a great sex life. There are some girls out there where this just doesn't matter but for me it definitely does.

4)Distant

This is kind of the extreme opposite of smothering. I don't mind a guy going out with his friends -- like I mentioned, I'm not the jealous type and I need some space in a relationship. So this one really isn't about physical closeness. It's more about how I'm treated. 

If a guy doesn't put any effort into the relationship it's a problem. If they are never around, it's a problem. If a guy takes me out and acts like they're not with me I will make them suffer a hundred times over. That's a promise. 

I am by no means perfect but I am secure in myself. The guy I end up will be proud to be with me and will show it. They'll want to show me off and and to spend time with me. I'd never settle for less.

5) Unnecessarily Mean

Some guys are just mean. This can be as in mean to their girlfriends -- disrespectful, yell a lot, make them feel bad about themselves or anything like that. I did that before and I won't ever do it again. It's unacceptable for me and it should be for any woman. You deserve more from a guy and NOTHING is worth staying in a relationship like that. 

There is also the situation where the guy may be nice to you, but is still mean-spirited. I know a guy who is really hot and that I like a lot as a friend. We've been friends for a long time and he's taken me out to dinner. But I would never date him. When he gets drunk and he's a real dick. He'll make fun of people and become really obnoxious. Not cool. 

Another guy I went out with was just a bitter person. He complained about everything! His negativity drove me crazy and he often made fun of other people. When I found out he was homophobic it was the end. I don't tolerate hate or bullying.

6) Overly Insecure

Even though this can spawn jealously it's still a different thing. It's that guy that never feels like he is good enough...and feels like he constantly needs to remind you of that. 

I'm a pretty girl. I have a good job. Some guys just find that intimidating and that's ok. But for frigs sake, fake it till you make it! 

A guy who has low self-confidence and is always concerned about if I make more than him, if I'm too good for him, if I'm too pretty, is going to find himself in a self-fulling prophecy scenario. I'm attracted to confident guys. I don't mean conceited, I just mean someone who is comfortable with themselves and thinks they are every bit as deserving as the next person. A guy who reminds me constantly of his lack of confidence in himself is sure to turn me off.

7) The Job Factor

I'm a pretty open-minded person. There is not much that will preclude me from at least giving a guy a shot even if it's not destined to work out. However, in the famous words of Foxy Brown and Mya - YOU NEED TO HAVE A J.O.B IF YOU WANNA BE WITH ME!

I would love it if a guy made a ton of money and could fly me around the world. But I'd date a guy with pretty much any job. It's not the money that matters; it's that I am a hardworking person and need to see that in my partner. I am not about to support anyone unless we are in it for the long haul. I would never ask a guy to support me.

I don't date students unless they have a full-time job besides. If you are "temporarily" unemployed fine, call me when you are working. If you are a musician who plays in local pubs on weekends and rehearses the rest of the week in your buddy's basement, you DO NOT HAVE A FULL-TIME JOB - don't call me.

Sure there are other reasons relationships don't work out. And I know the title of this post is pretty sarcastic. But in all seriousness, most girls just want to be treated well and with respect.  And a girl should also treat the guy that way. If not, what the hell's the point?

Read the male perspective by @isaiditnowdeal

Chivalry or Where Did All Our Heros Go?

A friend and I went out for supper the other night and he said something that inspired this post. We were talking about one of my friends who I haven't known for a really long time, but is one of my favourite people in this world. For the sake of this post we'll call him M.

We met last summer when there were about a million sailors in town. I had been at a bar with some work colleagues and one sailor sent his friend over to come talk to me. After my boss told the friend that if the guy wanted to talk to me he had to come do it himself, the guy came over to ask if I would go out with him later.

He said he couldn't help but notice how beautiful I was. I told him I couldn't help but notice his wedding ring. Oops. Yeah he forgot to take that off. He went away after my coworkers teased him mercilessly when he explained it was a Lord of the Rings ring (I kid you not) and I left to meet some friends.

M was out with the people I was meeting. After relaying what had happened with the sailor M and another friend started laughing. Turns out the sailor had offered M $50 to go over and talk to me when he was walking by the bar. But M didn't take it. He said he wasn't about to go over and harass a girl he didn't know for $50. I thought he was crazy.

But when I told my friend at dinner this, he said he totally believed M wouldn't take the money. He said that M was chivalrous. It isn't a word we use to describe men very often, but in this case it might be true.

M has a girlfriend that he is absolutely in love with. It actually warms the heart to hear him talk about her. Even though he's a great guy in his own right, he seems so proud to be with her. But it's more than that.

In my case, he has more than once gone out of his way to make me feel comfortable in a situation or look out for me. Yet, he's never hit on me or even said anything inappropriate. He also has this really annoying habit of not saying things around me if it relates to the guys in our group. They're his friends and you couldn't get a bad word about them out of him. He's loyal. As irritating as it is, sometimes I gotta respect that. He's just an upstanding guy.                         

I don't know many guys like M. I know a few who I don't think would cheat on their girlfriends, but none with the level of character this guy seems to have. And thinking of this made me a little sad. It made wonder if chivalry is almost extinct.

I'll confess, I'm not the romantic type. Not in the traditional sense anyway. I feel strange when I go to a fancy restaurant. I'd much rather eat in a pub. While I dream of the guy who is going to fly me around the world in his private jet, in reality I don't like when a guy spends a ton of money on me. But romantic isn't really what I mean here.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I can take care of myself. But sometimes girls just don't want to. Sometimes, most times, it is incredibly sexy to have a guy look out for you. I don't expect guys to joust in my honour (in this day and age anyway), but things like making sure I get home safe, rescuing me if a guy is bothering me (I don't mean hitting them @isaiditnowdeal)  or showing concern if something is wrong. I not only appreciate these things, it actually makes me want a guy.

And it's true that I can buy my own drink on a first date. I'm capable. But I'm always unimpressed with a guy who doesn't offer to pay in the beginning. It has nothing to do with money, and everything to do with being a gentleman. Same with asking a girl out. If I want you to ask me out, I'll throw cues in your direction, but I'm only going to go out with a guy if he has enough courage to ask me. And I really do think that in these days of lost chivalry, where guys aren't out courting anymore, asking a girl for dinner is a reasonable substitute.

Being attentive is really important. There is a difference between that and smothering (look for smothering in a post coming soon). I don't need a guy around all the time. But when I'm out with a guy, it's important to know he is  paying attention. I love when a guy really looks at me, asks questions when I'm talking, comments on my outfit, tells me I look nice.

@isaiditnowdeal doesn't see the point in telling a girl she looks nice. He always says that if he's with a girl, he obviously thinks  she looks nice, so why is there a need to say it all the time. The reason is if a girl hears she looks nice, it makes her feel good. If she feels good about herself when she's around you, she'll want to be around.

Anyways, the guys who have successfully held my interest for longer than a couple of months have all had elements of this. There are many things that make we want a guy, but this is an important one. It's a turn on.

Sadly, most of these guys have disappeared. Lots, like @isaiditnowdeal, want women to do more of the work. They seem to think that because we have jobs and are independent, we should also be paying for the date and asking them out.

No girl expects a knight in shining armour or a superhero. But a little bit of chivalry can go a long way. So gentleman (if you are that), if you want a girl, suck it up.

P.S. I know I should have put a knight up, but Spiderman is so hot. I'd totally do him.

Read the reply by @isaiditnowdeal

Why We'll Never Date - @isaiditnowdeal

There is a photo on my Facebook page of @isaiditnowdeal and I that a friend labeled "The couple that isn't." I know this is how a lot of people see us. 

We're close and we do fight like a married couple. He checks with me before he buys clothes and I run multiple outfits by him before I leave for the bar (he hates this). Some of our best conversations have taken place while we've shopped for groceries together. 

A lot of people see this and think that a guy and a girl who get along this well should be a couple. Why wouldn't they? All of the movies end that way. So cliche.

But real life rarely ends up like romantic comedies. 

All of the reasons that @isaiditnowdeal pointed out are very true. I tell him everything, including who I like and who I sleep with. Even the horrible things like when I cheat on someone. He does the same and there is never any judgment between us. That is a rare and wonderful thing that I wouldn't mess up for the world. And if we ever were together, it would be sure to cause huge problems.

We are very different socially. I always want to be out with people. I want to attend every social event that I can and he would never be able to, or want to, keep up with me. In fact, I made him come somewhere on Friday he didn't want to and we fought for an hour.

I'm not ready to settle down. He is. But as someone who was settled down -- five year relationship playing house and homemaker -- I know for certain that I just don't want that again right now. I'm enjoying my life. And there are so many things I want to do and try before I seriously say to a guy it's you and me forever. He, on the other hand, is the responsible one. He's got a house that he wants to be a home. 

All very good reasons. But I do have a few more. 

1) This builds a bit on his last point. It's not just that I'm not ready to settle down and he is, but the fact that we want very different things out of life. In his 10 year life plan (he actually has one, I most certainly do not) he will be married and have a baby amd be doing house renovations. I'm not sure I want to get married. Someday I want a wedding -- an $800 dollar dress and cake and an awesome party that is all about me and whoever I'm with. But do I actually want or need the piece of paper to go with it? Just not sure. He, on the other hand, has some very specific rules and expectations around marriage. For example, he has to be married in a church. I definitely won't be. Also, I am sure that I am not having a baby any time in the future. No way. This is something I know is important to him. But for me, it's a dealbreaker. 

2) We have a very different value system. @isaiditnowdeal is very traditional. He wants the traditional family and life. I'm the exact opposite. My idea of a perfect relationship is someone who wants to travel with me and see the world. He's already done all that. He wants to do more normal, mundane things. I often joke that he is a 50-year-old trapped in a 28-year-old's body. Truth is, likely because of the years I feel I lost in that previous relationship, I'm 28, but much younger. I did the traditional thing, even had an apron. It's not me. It won't ever be for me.

3) Why mess up a good thing? I mentioned that there is never any judgment between us. It's true, I know he will never look at me any differently no matter how horrible anything I say to him is. But on top of that, he always looks out for me and has my best interest at heart. I know he'd punch a guy who messed with me at a bar. He'll take care of me if I'm drunk and lose all good sense. Also, it's nice having a guy to talk to about guys. He gives me advice, tells me when a guy likes me or when they just wants one thing. He talks to me about girls and I'm able to give him advice too. It's not uncomfortable or weird. 

So, in short,  @isaiditnowdeal is my best friend. And knowing that if we ever did date there would be no future in it, why mess it up for sex? We're not going to wake up in the morning and realize we're in love. 

So we will remain as we are. And even though that is the most horrific proposal I've ever gotten, maybe ever anywhere, if we're single at 45, maybe 50, Justice of the Peace it is.

Read the original post by @isaiditnowdeal

Reply: The WRONG Time to Date

So this post is a little late. I think mainly because I don't really get where i.said.it.now.deal is coming from. For most of the posts he writes, though I tend to drastically disagree, I at least understand the thought process. But this one left me a little stumped. 

Part of it I think is that this post is basically suggesting that you shouldn't date someone (or be cautious dating someone) almost 8 months of the year. And then, I think, he is saying to avoid summer? So when do you date? Apparently only in the September and October, although if you factor in that you may have to take your new guy/gal to a Halloween party you're just fucked for the year.

The other thing is that I think our dating styles are  so vastly different that sometimes I just can't relate. For example, he talks about dating 10 people and narrowing it down to one. Ok, fine. Fundamentally I don't see anything wrong with dating multiple people if you just want to see what is out there, and cutting others off if you happen to fall for one. But I think there is something wrong with the approach to this dating scenario that factors into this wrong time to date thing.

What ever happened to just meeting someone that you like and asking them out? Rather than just going out with a pool of people for the hell of it, why not just go out with someone cause, I don't know, you like them? So old fashioned, I know. But even in the world of online dating, the idea of choosing 10 people to go out with and then "narrowing it down" to the one who bothers you least is a strange concept to me. 

But aside from that, what the hell does the time of year have to do with any of this? Why is a factor at all? Cause there are commercial holidays and warm weather that could fall in between? What does he mean you could be stuck with them?

Personally, I hate dating people around the holidays. Not because of any bearing it has on potential commitment or not, just that I don't like the pressure of picking out gifts for the significant other. That I could understand. With the last guy I dated his birthday fell a couple of weeks after I started dating him. I baked him a cake, oddly at the suggestion of the guy I was seeing before him, and left it at that. But I did stress a bit over what to do about it.

i.said.it.now.deal also seems to think that girls can't cope with not having a significant other for the Christmas holiday. I don't know a single girl who has ever told me they feel this way. I certainly don't. And the couples I do know, with the exception of the really long term ones (and even some of those), usually spend Christmas apart with their respective families. 

Valentine's Day i'll give him. It is far more common to want to be in a relationship to celebrate the holiday that's built  around being in a relationship. But that's one day out of the year.

I don't understand the April, May, June thing at all. Don't date someone in these months because you might get into the summer? Sure, it's great to have someone to do things with in the summer. But why would you not date someone months before summer based on the assumption you might not be able to break up with them? No one is holding a gun to your head.
 

I can understand sometimes it's hard to know whether or not to break up with someone around a holiday. Do you wait for the holiday to pass when you know it's not right? Or do you do it in advance? 

I have friend that ended his long-term relationship a couple of weeks before Christmas. A lot of people asked why he just didn't wait out the holidays. His response was simple. It wasn't working and the relationship had run it's course so there was no reason to prolong it. But on top of that, sticking it out that last Christmas would have only made it a lie. If I was that girl I wouldn't want to be thinking that my last fond memories with that person was just bullshit to try and make me feel better. And it's often easy to see through, so the person usually knows something isn't right anyway.

i.said.it.now.deal also said "when you're caught up in the moment - or when someone else is caught up in the moment - you might realize that the moment is all you two really have." Is this not a risk whenever you start dating someone? I started dating my last boyfriend in September. We had a pretty epic first meeting. Stuff movies are made of. I even thought that if this was the guy I was supposed to marry our engagement photos and wedding speech be amazing. Yep. This chick was caught up in the moment. But I realized pretty quickly that this guy was not the guy for me. I realized that the moment was all we had. 

So what? I ended it. 

Dating shouldn't be based on a time of year. If you meet someone you like, date them. If it turns out to be a fling, have fun. If it turns out to be more, don't limit yourself by saying if I stop liking this person eventually I have to worry about breaking up with them in the wrong month. Come on, i.said.it.now.deal, at least entertain the thought that we aren't made of glass and won't be emotionally traumatized by for the rest of our lives if we get dumped anywhere near a holiday.

If you find it's not working, break up with them. Breakups can be tough no matter what time of year it is. If you really like a person it's not going to be the time of year that hurts, it's the loss. But in the end that can't be avoided anyway. The people stuck in relationships that they don't want to be in out of fear of hurting the other are miserable. And you're not doing them any favours. 

So, there you have it. First post of the new year. And so far 2011 has been pretty awesome for this chick. Hope it's the same for you :) 

Read the original post by i.said.it.now.deal.