Social Media & Relationships Part I: Facebook Fucks You

I don't consider myself stuck in the past. Yeah, yeah, I much prefer a guy ask me out and pay for the first date, etc. But in general, in life, I consider myself pretty modern.

I'm all for spending my hard-earned money on things that make my life more fun and easy, like new video game systems or dishwashers or, hopefully one day, a robot that will cook and do laundry. I can totally get behind a CGI movie as long as the plot is sound. I don't resist change.

I'm completely for working mothers and men doing the cooking. I'm for all types of relationships. I think a woman should be able to sleep with as many men as she fucking feels like it and not give a damn what people think. (Sidenote When called a slut on Desperate Housewives, Vanessa Williams replied, sarcastically, Oh No! Now chip won't take me to the prom!~ always makes me giggle).

And I embrace social media. I fought for others at work to embrace it, with some success (although, admittedly, that success probably had little to do with my nagging). I am a Facebook addict and there is no help for me (Seriously?? Facebook is still not a recognized word???).

But when it comes to social media and the dating world I just can't get behind it.

I hear stories about people who have met online. I know a couple getting married that met on Lavalife. @AngieMmmmm and @isaiditnowdeal met on Twitter. So it does happen.

But in my experience, social media does more to harm relationships than good for them.

I was thinking about this a lot as I watched a few friends' relationships deteriorate over Facebook, which this post will be devoted to.

My friend's girlfriend went down south a while back. She came back and posted in her status "It's so good to be home!!!!"

My friend posts: "Miss X is back! Can't wait to see my girl!!!"

Sweet, right?

Then Miss X posts pictures. And a Mr. X started to appear in a lot of them. And with the Facebook world watching, the following ensued:

Miss X's status: Wow

Friend's status: What the Fuck!

Miss X's status: I did not need to come back to this shit

Friend's status: Funny how a girl flies down south twice in three months and the same dude is in all her pics. Yeah, real classy.

Miss X's status: Is this for real? Man, some people have some serious trust issues.

Friend's status: Done.

And moments later in my news feed: Friend is no longer in a relationship with Miss X, followed by Miss X is now listed as single.

It was pretty funny. 

But, in my friend's defense, Miss X is now engaged to the boy down south, so in this case FB caught a cheater. Which, occasionally, it's been known to do. Anyone else recall the guy who's wife found pics of his second wedding on FB while they were still married?

Problem is, Facebook by design can create cheaters. On top of that, it's often used to seek out cheaters that aren't really there.

Hear me out. In high school you were totally in love with your sweetheart. Everything was wonderful and you were going to get married, but, as is the fate of many high school relationships, you both went to college and drifted apart. Typical, even if a little bit wholesome and cutesie.

Years later, when you've moved on with your life and lost all contact you meet someone and fall in love (or something like it). Things are great. 

And then you get a message. The ex has found you on FB. And they look good. And they live in your city or are visiting in town. And they want to get together for drinks.

Yeah, yeah. You're a good chick/guy. Whatever. Maybe you'll go, maybe you won't. Maybe something will happen, maybe it won't. But if it does, it's fair to say that FB created a situation that otherwise likely may never have happened. 

Sure there is e-mail and phone, even handwritten letters before all that. But Facebook makes it easy to find that person you've always wondered about in a way like never before. It makes it easy to chat with them with out your significant other knowing. Makes it easy to send dirty messages and erase the evidence.

Good old FB, friend to cheaters the world over.

But the other problem is people already know this. And they check.

Another friend of mine, let's call him R, was extremely insecure. His girlfriend, M, had cheated on him in the past, but they had broken up for a year and were trying to give it another go. They had their issues right from the start (they will be featured in another post on toxic relationships), but FB was their downfall.

See, everyday he would come home and check who's wall she commented on. Who's status's she liked. Go through pictures and demand to know who every guy in them was. He would get paranoid saying she friended someone and now it's not showing so she must be hiding it. He would ask me about guys I had as mutual friends with her and try to find out how they knew each other. And she was no better.

The last straw in their relationship was when she left her Facebook open and a guy sent her a chat message. Turns out he was an old friend, but he had no idea who it was. He pretended to be her and came on to him. He responded and he hit the roof. She had to be cheating on him with this guy.

According to her (and for the record, I believe her), the guy always liked her but they hadn't spoken in a long time. He had messaged her because he just broke up with his girlfriend and was, in fact, looking to hook up. Given the chance, she would have told him no. But the damage was done and the fallout caused the end of the relationship.

As I said, their relationship was toxic. Ending it was probably a good thing, and really, his actions weren't really all that sane. They had no trust, and trust is essential in having a successful relationship.

But don't tell me you've never looked to see who that guy/girl who wrote something on your wo/man's wall was....never creeped an ex or their old friend of the opposite sex to see how hot they are...never seen something in a wall post or in a photo that left you feeling a little bit of doubt....

Yeah, relationships, Facebook is not your friend. 

But then again, it does have it's advantages. How else would the morons of the world know they were in a relationship to begin with without changing their status?

Post TBC next week with good times on Plenty of Fish. I've got some fun ones ;)

Reply: Juggling People is an Art: Learn it, Learn it Well

 

There are rare times when @isaiditnowdeal and I agree on stuff? This isn't one of those times. In fact, it's posts like these that make me realize how fundamentally different we are.


Let me state first off that most people aren't juggling multiple people because they don't want to, not because of any of the reasons @isaiditnowdeal outlined in his post. They think it's wrong or whatever. Not saying I have a problem with it, just putting it out there.

Juggling people isn't a conscious thing for me. I don't set out to date 10 people and narrow it down to one (I still think that is an incredibly stupid dating strategy), and I would never invest so much time and effort into juggling them, as he has outlined in his post.

With that said, I am rarely ever talking to/seeing just one person. I'm not actively seeking out multiple people or anything, things just happen that way. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's a law of the universe that there is either no one at all to be interested in, or there are multiple people.

Example given: A guy that I was really interested in moves away for a work project. A guy I was sleeping with off and on for years pretty well loses interest. A guy I met and thought might be nice (or at least help pass the time) turns out to be a douche (see post here). Left with.....fuck all! And bored as hell. The periods where there is no one to be interested in are the worst.

But then.....I meet a new guy, who I think is really hot and is a really good guy too. He seems interested and we start chatting. Then I start hanging out more with a friend I really get along with and have always enjoyed being around. Get drunk, sleep with him, and guess what? He's also great in bed. Somehow, without my knowledge or consent, things start to feel coupley. Maybe, just maybe, this could go somewhere....

But, of course, work project guy (AKA Guy 1) moves home. And asks me out.

Unlike @isaiditnowdeal, I don't consciously set out to date multiple people for something to do.  I wouldn't find myself juggling people based on this.

But it doesn't mean I don't juggle people (although I don't like that term. You're such a callous bastard sometimes @isaiditnowdeal). And it doesn't mean I don't do it well.

So, with that in mind, here are my responses to @isaiditnowdeal's  comments, or whatever they are.

1) I'm afraid I would confuse the person with another, and not remember what we talked about.

Yeah...I'm not. I have a pretty long memory, but that's probably not why I don't confuse them. One of the things about dating people you actually like, is that you tend to pay attention to what they say. In the instances that I have dated a guy who I'm not into during my "I have nothing better to do phases" I would often find myself mixing them up with others in my head.  Not keeping track of what I they tell me, forgetting dates, etc. But in those situations it's because I just don't care. I certainly don't care enough to go through the trouble of planning out my questions or keeping notes in a little black book. And if I don't care, what difference does it make if I call a guy by the wrong name?

I'll confess, and I'm pretty sure this is really just a guy thing, that if you just want to find a way to sleep with multiple people than this would probably help. Keep track of details, girl thinks you're interested and pay attention, girl is more likely to sleep with you. On the other hand, girls don't work like this. I actually (not pretend!) pay attention to the guys I'm interested in, whether it's one or several. And I don't sleep with guys I'm not interested in. So this point is useless to me, and I would venture to say many girls out there.

2) I don't know where I would find the time to see all of these people.

Again, I think waaaay too much thought has gone into this one. Or maybe way too much effort on @isaiditnowdeal's part. I barely have enough time to date anyone, let alone multiple people. But if I'm going to make the effort, you better believe it's not going to be for someone that I don't care about or just for something to do. 

If I do like multiple people, and want to see them all, I'll try to see them when I can. But, by doing this I am well aware that it's not something that can be sustained long term. Actually, barely even in the short term. The guy will either get pissed cause I don't spend enough time with them, or one will win out and I'll find myself spending more time with them and less and less with the others.  I won't change my schedule or cut into time with my family and friends to keep up relationships with multiple guys that really don't mean anything anyway. I'm much more likely to go out with them, go with it, see where it takes me. The rest plays out on it's own.

3) What happens when I run into one of them, while out with another?

@isaiditnowdeal did make one good point when he said "juggling multiple people isn't about sleight of hand. You don't want to make yourself invisible. Instead, it's about sleight of tongue. What you say, how you say it, and when you say it, which will determine how effect of a multiple dater you will be." 

Even though I don't like the way he stated it, it's pretty well true. But in my case, it's more about being honest and upfront. 

If I'm dating multiple people it's important that they understand that we are not exclusive. It's important that they understand that until we agree that we're together, they are not my boyfriend and are not to treat me like they are in public. I don't go through all the trouble about fretting the run-in. I've actually been in the same place with more than one guy and as long as everyone knows where they stand, things always seem to work out. 

Anyways, I guess @isaiditnowdeal and I are pretty different. I think he enjoys the plotting and scheming where for me it's just a headache. As with my approach to most things, I just go with it, feel good and have fun. Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be. 

In my current case me and my friend will continue to hang out. But we talk openly and honestly all the time about where we stand and he doesn't pressure me at all. He's ok (for now) with not being exclusive. I'll probably go out with Guy 1 if he asks me again soon. And I'm sure I won't go long without seeing the other guy either. 

But I'm pretty sure I know the end of this story already. And I've even surprised myself :)