Sex: Coles Notes

When said (tweeted, whatev) yesterday that all I could think about was sex I wasn't lying. It's been on my mind for a few days now and I can't seem to get it off. No, I'm not going to just go sleep with just anyone (don't suggest it), I'm far too picky for that. But it doesn't mean I'm still not thinking about it. 

It's funny, because I don't think men realize that girls think about it a lot too. I mean, a lot. We're supposed to be somewhat coquettish and not let guys know outright, but if a girl ever tells you that sex doesn't cross her mind at least a dozen times a day (being modest here) she's either lying or has never had an orgasm. Poor soul.

In any event I've been slightly preoccupied lately. So I was gonna write something about relationships or whatever, but instead you have this. 

I've had fantastic sex and...not so great sex (to put it kindly). Most experiences fall somewhere in between. I can't speak for all girls - we are all different - but I thought I'd share a couple things that turn me on.

Foreplay - When I'm with a guy I want to feel like he can't wait to be with me. But with that said, he should wait. Foreplay can extend the experience and make it soooo much hotter. I'm sure the guys out there have heard this before, but don't ever underestimate it. We ladies want to be kissed and touched before we just jump in bed with someone. And most will totally want to reciprocate (this chick anyway).  

This is important for lots of women, even in (or maybe especially in) long-term relationships. It keeps things exciting and presents lots of opportunity for variety. So fellas, talk, tease, strip, touch, feel and play, so by the time it comes to doing it the girl is the one who can't wait to be with you.

Mix it up - There are some girls that would prefer to have sex in the safety of their own home in the comfort of their bed with the door locked and curtains drawn tight. They want sex to be completely private and that's definitely ok - more power to ya. I'm just not one of those chicks. 

Maybe it's my personality type but I'm always much more excited when there is an element of risk involved. This doesn't means I'm going to have sex on the front lawn in the daytime or anything like that, nor do I expect every experience to be risky. But for chicks like me it is definitely ok to do stuff to make us want you in public. Kiss us passionately and unexpectedly on the street. Cop a feel when no one is looking. See what you can get away with. 

When we do take it somewhere more private be creative. Remember that things don't need to be confined to the bed. And top and bottom are great, but don't limit yourself to the standard positions.

Express yourself - A friend was telling me about a guy she was sleeping with not long ago who was completely quiet every time they had sex. Afterward he told her how great she was. She was baffled. 

I can't recall being in this situation, but I wouldn't know what to think. I'd probably be so worried about my performance that I'd be to distracted to be into yours.

Guys, if you are enjoying it we want to know. Show enthusiasm. Unless you are trying not to get caught [ :-) ] we want to hear you breathe, moan, say our name, and tell us you're enjoying it. I'm not saying it should be forced, but no reason to hold back either.

Spice and Sugar - There are girls out there who want everything about sex to be tied to romance. Maybe one day I'll get there, but I'm not so sure. I prefer it to be hot. I want it to be spice before and during. 

But if I'm really into you, I want it to be sugar after. I know there are guys out there that hate to cuddle. But for the record, cuddling after sex doesn't mean we want to marry you. It just means that after it feels nice, really nice, to be held. 

It's also a good indicator for you. If I didn't enjoy myself I'll probably have a cig and leave.  

This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are lots of things I like. But I'm not about to give everything away. Where would be the fun in that?

Read the male reply by i.said.it.now.deal

Reply: 20 Questions Men Want Answers To

Ok. It's been a strange week for me and I'm actually in a men suck kind of mood right now. But I'm going to try and answer i.said.it.now.deal's questions as honestly as possible. Although, I have to say most of these questions depend on the person answering them, so I warn you, my answers aren't going to be the same as the next woman's. 

By the way, this was a cop-out. I reserve the right to put a similar post in my back pocket for when I'm too tired to write.

The Physical:

1) Which is more important, an attractive face or an attractive body?

For me, an attractive face always wins out. Every time.

2) When it comes to body type, do you prefer: (a) slim build (b) average build (c) toned build (d) muscular build

I would date a guy with b or c with very little preference. D is ok too. Actually, unless we were on a beach I probably wouldn't even notice the difference -- it is definitely less of a concern to me than i.said.it.now.deal. I also know several very hot guys with a slim build. However, if a guy is thinner than me I have an issue. I'm not a big girl by any means. But if I cuddle with or am on top of a guy who's smaller than me I feel like I'll break them and it does a number of the self-esteem. I have stopped dating guys for this reason. 

3) What one physical trait most attracts you to a guy?

Ummmmm....I don't know. Probably the smile. I am a sucker for a sexy smile. I like the devilish look.

4) Personal hygiene is obviously a selling point, should a guy: (a) shave completely (b) shave chest only (c) shave only below the equator (d) I love hairy men

Huh. Guys think about this eh? I don't think a guy should shave his legs or anything, but if they shave their chest and below the equator it makes it more enjoyable to... ;-)

5) What physical trait most turns you off a guy?

If a guy is tooooo small. See the above for my comments on thin. I like to feel like a guy can keep me safe. They don't have to be really built, in fact I prefer if they're not, but just taller and thicker than I am. 

The Intellect:

1) Complete the phrase. I like my man to be: (a) less intelligent than I (b) smarter than I (c) of equal intelligence

Odd question. I believe that people can be more or less intelligent than others in certain areas. For example (a very simple one) I'm sure i.said.it.now.deal knows much less about applying eyeshadow than I do. My last boyfriend knew tons of stuff about cars and fixing things, which I have no clue about. But I wouldn't call him smarter than me by a long shot. 

Anyways, I'll generalize for a moment. Smart = sexy for me. I loooovvveee smart guys. I like to be able to debate things with and learn things from a partner. I don't want a guy who is less intelligent. I have little patience for them. Personality wise, this is a dealbreaker for me. I need to have intelligent conversations. 

There is a guy who wants to go out with me right now who is sooooo good-looking. Tanned, built, sexy smile. But he doesn't read. Doesn't care about what's going on in the world at all. Spends most of his time talking about weight training and sports. I won't go out with this guy.

I'm highly opinionated, but more than anything I love to be challenged. So I guess you can be of equal intelligence or smarter, but definitely not less.  

2) How important is education? (a) He must have completed university/college (b) Education isn't all that important, there is more to someone than being book smart.

I'm never going to ask a guy to see his diploma before I date him. In fact, whether they've completed school or not never really crosses my mind. But with that said, see above. I think a lot of interest in the world is developed in university/college so that can be a bonus. But if a guy has developed it some other way fine by me. 

3) Which of the following statements best describes what you want in a person: (a) It is important that my partner continue to self-improve himself. (b) I don't care if my partner continues to self-improve himself, I fell for him because of who he is.

 LOL! It completely depends on the guy. I guess I don't want a partner to say "hey, I made it to my 20s. I'm done developing as a person." That would just be silly.

4) Is it possible for someone to be too smart, that it becomes a turn-off?

Not really. If anything was going to be the turn off it would be how they present it. If they are supper arrogant and snobbish about it, that would be a turn off. But that's not the same thing as being too smart. 

5) Are women intimidated by intelligent men?

Not in the slightest. 

Likes and Dislikes:

1) How important is it that you and your prospective partner share similar interests: (a) Very important (b) Somewhat important (c) Not important at all

I guess I'll go middle of the road here. They don't have to have all similar interests. But we have to have some common ground. It's good if we can do things we both like together, but get space from doing things the partner isn't into with other friends. 

2) Which statement best describes you: (a) I want my partner to take an interest in my likes. (b) I want my partner to take an interest in my likes even if he has to fake it (c) If he has no interests in my likes, I don't want him to bother. He should just say so.

Tricky question. I would like my partner to be honest with me. Take the ballet for example (guys cringe everywhere lol). If you don't like the ballet, say you don't like the ballet. There will still be some times you will probably still have to go with me, but I would severely limit it knowing that you don't like it. On those rare occasions when you do have to go,  you should suck it up and not complain. You're there because it is important to me. 

Also, if you don't have to come, you should at least let me talk about the experience if I want to. In turn, I will go to car shows etc. with a smile on my face and appear convincingly interested and ask questions as you describe car engines to me. 

Yeah, no worries. I actually hate the ballet.  

3) Would you ever do something that you completely hate or bores you, because your partner really wants to?

Hahahaha - yes. See above. I would without question as long as they are supportive of me too. But I have to confess, if it's not a two-way street I'll just resent them after a while.

4) What is one interest that women wish men would involve themselves in?

Shopping. I hope the guy I marry will be really interested in buying me new clothes and shoes. 

5) You discover your partner has an unusual interest, you: (a) Accept it and let him continue, after all it's his interest and you don't have to partake. (b) Tell him that it's weird and to stop it. (c) Realize, holy shit this is too weird for me, I better call www.idump4u.com and end this quickly.

Depends on what it is. I'm pretty open-minded so I would likely accept something that's just different. But let's say he has an interest for cutting up bodies. Then Bradley can call him while I move out of town.

The Random Ones

1) When in a relationship, after a certain period of time has elapsed how important is it that you and your partner start doing things as a "couple" (ie: events, etc...) (a) Very important, if we're a couple we should be involved in each others lives, unless it's a special circumstance. (b) Some what important. It's important we give one another the choice to go as a couple, but not feel like we have to. (c) Not important. Hell, I don't want to have to bring him with me.

This is very important to me. I think it is important that partners have some space apart from each other, yes. And take some time going out with the girls/guys. But a guy who is really into me will be proud to have me as their girlfriend and want to show me off. And I'm a pretty social butterfly. I'm not about to stay home and watch my man go out if I want to go and there is no good reason for me not being there.

It is also one of the key indicators  for me of whether I really want to be with a guy. Am I comfortable bringing him around my friends? Do I want him next to me when I go out? If the answer is no I usually break up with them. 

2) Is it important to know your partners sexual history? (a) Yes, I want to know all the details. (b) Depends, knowing how many partners he's been with is important. (c) No way. I don't want to know a single detail.

I don't need to know everything about my partner's sexual history. I don't really care. But I do want to be able to discuss things openly with them - have you ever tried this? Where was the craziest place you had sex? etc. I also want to be able to be able to answer any questions the guy may ask me without fear of jealously or repercussions. 

3) What are your thoughts on second chances? (a) I have limits for a reason, he knew them, he broke them, it's over...goodbye. (b) It depends on what he did and how bad it was, I'd more than likely give him a second chance.

I'm a pretty forgiving person. I'm gonna go with b. Is this about cheating? I haven't been cheated on much. I think my ego would be hurt because I always want to be first choice. But I also think just sex and an ongoing affair are two different things. I'm not sure what I'd do.  But chances are always better if you're straight up with me. 

4) Your guy is going out with the boys for the night, how do you expect him to act? (a) I expect him to keep to his group of friends only and ward off any advances from other girls. After all, he has a girlfriend. (b) I don't care if he chats with/buys drinks/flirts with other girls, as long as he keeps his hands to himself. (c) I don't care what my guy does, as long as he doesn't kiss or take another girl home; grind up on her all you want, he's coming home to me later.

I'm not the jealous type. I don't want my boyfriend spending money on another girl. But I'm not going to be worked up about him chatting to one either. 

5) Complete this sentence... "I wish more men would ______."

? So random. I wish more men would fly me to places around the world. Other than that I can't think of anything.


Read the original Male post by i.said.it.now.deal

Reply: Getting Older Just Sucks or Maybe I'm Procrastinating

Alright. This took forever for me to write. I really have been busy, helping friends through breakups, spending time with that guy who makes my head spin, attending the start of Christmas parties and working late. I have not been procrastinating, because frankly this topic doesn't bother me much at all. Much.

I get it. I really do. I'm just not as affected by it as most of the single girls, and at least one single guy, that I know. 


I guess I'll address i.said.it.now.deal first, before I explore the issue more broadly. You are not too picky. It's an excuse for sabotage. It looks like you are picky because you break up with girls for superficial, and frankly stupid reasons. The first girl isn't thin enough, but the next girl is unhealthy looking. You always date blondes and brunettes are your type. A girl with a good career is too busy, but one with just a job wants too much of your time. Whatever. 


Ladies, if you encounter him he is, in fact, a good catch. But as much as he thinks he is, he's not ready. Not really. He needs to really let go of the past if he is ever going to move forward. Still, he, like so many others, is just bothered by that tick tock, society-imposed clock.

There is a huge pressure on single 20-somethings. Even more on 30-somethings. It's mostly unintentional - you walk into the situation that i.said.it.now.deal walked into - but sometimes it is intentional - "why don't you find a nice man to settle down with?" (Please stop mom).


It's awful when your friends start to become all couples. And for girls it's worse. 

I have a friend who's boyfriend, in all fairness, may or may not be an idiot. I don't know him well but I'm not impressed by the way he treats her. But she is sooo hung up -- at the late-in-life age of 27 -- on having a baby. If this guy isn't the guy then she'll never have a baby. She'll be 28 and single and not have a baby!

To her, this really is the end of the world. Not the fact that she could wind up with a guy who treats her poorly and spend most of her life miserable or walking on eggshells trying to please a man who is going to be an idiot regardless. It's that at 28  she is an old woman who isn't married and preggers. 


Yeesh. Any guesses on why the divorce rate is 50 per cent?


I am extremely independent. I have a career, pay my bills and take care of myself. I, like i.said.it.now.deal, also tend to date for short periods of time before breaking it off (months usually, not days like some people). But for me, it's because  spending five years in a relationship that wasn't working taught me something. A lot of things actually. But one thing I learned is that I won't settle ever again. To me, nothing is worth a lifetime of unhappiness. 


There are too many people who marry to have kids. There are too many people who stay married because of kids. There are too many people who give in to that apple-pie, sun-shiney picture of where they are supposed to be in life. They see some other couple "chasing after toddlers" and doing couple things and feel sad, and left out, and like there is something is wrong with them. Those couples just look so damn happy. 


Let me tell you a secret. Some are extremely happy. Others most definitely are not. About half if you go by the stats. 


I don't think that baby is an excuse either. You can adopt. And with science, you don't even need a partner to have your own (although I believe there is no job harder than a single parent). But more importantly, a baby is a person. They grow up. Children think and feel and are extremely intuitive. So if your gut is telling you that guy/girl is not right long term, bringing kids in the mix won't make it better. It makes it much, much, much worse. And on top of that, it's selfish. 

But I understand the pressure. Remember that scene in Bridget Jones when she goes to the couple's party? Yeah, we've all had moments like that. And sometimes they get to me.


Sometimes, when I'm bored, or feel lonely, or find myself at the couples table, I feel just as sad. I wonder if that guy I'm meant to be with is actually out there or if I've missed the boat. 

But I'm 28. And I know the alternative. And I know I have time. Why worry now? 


So I remember that the grass is always greener and all that. I don't spend much energy worrying about the future. Worry has never helped or changed anything. 

I accept my life, single and all, and enjoy it. I hope i.said.now.deal learns to do the same. 

Oh, and if you're one of those "oh that poor single person" people here's my message: There is nothing wrong with us. We are not lacking. So fuck off.

Read the original post A.K.A. male post by i.said.it.now.deal.